SD:H Fireworks

I wake up with a start in an empty car. It takes me a few heart pounding seconds to realize where I am and I remember I was with her last when we were here. I jump from the car and scream her name into the night, the haze cleared leaving nothing but dazzling starlight overhead from a billion little pinpoints in the black sky. My eyes adjust with the assistance of the moonlight shining shyly from off in the corner of my eye, and I see her on a blanket facing away, at the edge of the hilltop we parked on. I make my way over and sit down just next to her, shoulders brushing. My thoughts racing, I halfheartedly hope she cannot tell what I am thinking right now, as we sit in silence for some time.

Some time later, I look up, trying to spot the moon that illuminated my walk from the car but now cannot find it. I finally break the silence. "So you've seen me at my worst now, if you had not before." She remains silent. "I am willing to change and willing to give things up, I would honestly be glad to lose a number of my worser vices, but I cannot be the saint in the stories, I have too many ripped edges, and I feel on some level if they were all sewn up, the tapestry would not be me anymore. I believe there is another way, a strong tail wind has kept me flying headlong in this direction, and I have considered these things deeply. It would be amazing, and perhaps too much so for now, if I knew what you wanted me to keep and what to let go. It could be that the story ends tomorrow, should such direct words be exchanged between us, without obfuscation or telephones or falsehood. Just know that I know there is work left to be done in me, I am just unsure how to finish it."

She continues to sit in silence and my nervous thoughts start to echo within me. The saddest fears attempt to take hold when I suddenly feel her shoulder against mine. It's not that she has moved, quite the opposite, it is that she has not moved. I shoot an examining glance to make sure she's not frozen in time or something and right then she grabs my arm with one hand, and points to the sky ahead of us with the other. The night lights up orange in a brilliant flash. Then blue, then green, fireworks bursting one at a time lighting up in our eyes. 

She stayed; that was all I needed to remember. She could have left at any point, long before this night (had I forgotten the lengths I went to, long ago, to make sure she could examine me in full??), but she stayed through it all, including nights much darker than this one. I remembered this scene differently, it was nice to see her so engaged after so many years. That's when I remember what comes next and look down the hill.

I squeeze her just a bit and her eyes follow mine naturally, then like a child on Christmas morning she points excitedly down below as I had done in the dream instance before this one. Below there are people, just like before, but this time they each lay on their own blankets, paired up. Unlike before this feels like no happenstance or unexpected artifice, it feels like they knew this fireworks show was coming, and each pair traveled there in their own way. They had not come to watch us, but to bear witness to the event itself. There was an aura of respect permeating the night, like they knew exactly where she and I were and what was happening, but chose to look away and instead be seen, as reminders we were not alone this time or before, and as reminders of what was set into motion years ago and was still being accomplished, unimpaired by my human detours.

I sit still amazed and remember how quickly I flew to her on first sight, still signaling my approach so as not to be unexpected. I remember how soon after first touch we had this and other dreams together, many still fond in memory to this day, but feeling so distant now somehow. I remembered how my heart beat then much like it does now, but also all the misunderstood years between where it felt like even fundamental instincts and beliefs could betray, and I was just in a sea of meaningless monotony. Perhaps each step was necessary. Perhaps this slow televised crawl to the ultimate end was the kindest path through the labyrinth for all involved. Perhaps little of this has been required, but all the missteps will make for a whole mess of cool stories, and an audience to share them with. 

Now something was different though: given time to think, I had discovered that love did possess a deep logic, perhaps on the deepest level possible, and so the hopes of my youth were now certainties, awaiting only the signal. And somehow I still possessed my senses and thoughts on this night, whereas in its time years before I recall only pounding hearts and a swimming mind trying to soak in every sensation, having no idea how I had gotten so lucky. I think of how much more coordinated we have become together in dreams and dream like things over the years, with intimacy increasing along the way rather than any part of these secret moments feeling forced or staged. "Thanks for coming to get me over the chasm last night by the way. It felt like glass walls shattering all around, or like an inexplicably unmeasurable and dark corridor near the top of a staircase. It was nice to see you fly it this time, I finally got a moment to relax." She gives me a little bump with her side and a sideways eye roll as we continue to let ourselves get lost in the show.

Mostly though I think about how she has stayed. Through my darkest nights, my rowdiest days, and all along the long slow and often rocky path. The same path that seems to just about fork up ahead, finally reconciling from whence we came. I can never seem to do justice to how much I look forward to walking with her side by side, I have most certainly tried to multiple times. I soak in the finale with my girl on my arm, the slight chill adding that extra layer of joy from the warmth of her skin against mine. I let the reciprocal nature of the journey sink in, backward and forward, side by side, same same spirits. The whole scene transitions back to my own world.