Soulmate Dream: Sepia and Fireworks

I find myself in a crowd, a head taller than most, but this is nothing new. I chat with my friends and those I recognize as many others mill about, but nothing really feels real, nothing seems tangible enough to draw my attention. Then I see you. You are as obscured as you can be this night, well before I knew you and seemingly even before you've bloomed. You are small and sepia, attempting to blend in amongst dull colors, but even still I spot you at the farthest distance, first sight, and stop and stare. I recognize you straight away, despite what seems reasonable or possibly even appropriate for this scenario, and I catch your curious eyes fixed on only me from the crowd. In some senses I had seen you many times before, but in these dreams it is as if every time is the first for me, and I light up with joy invariably. For you it seems different though, and I realize this may very well be the first time you've seen me. You slip into the crowd once more, but it is clear you are making your way to me. I try to go about my business, but my mind stays firmly locked on your imminent arrival.

I catch your eyes for the first time and immediately it as if my search is over. Having not known love or really even accepted its validity, always feeling bound by what felt like deeper logic, within 13 seconds I knew that time was over. I stared without looking away, again and again. I found whatever I could of you, I had to see more, I had to know you more. By the next day I knew I had to fly to you. Not looking to break the rules of this realm so quickly, I booked a flight and brought a gift, hoping it might end up in your hands by that evening. I find myself in a crowd, and nervously spy as best I can to catch a glimpse of you. Your stalwart guard said you might be here, and "might" was enough to keep hope alive in this lover's heart. Sure enough, up you walk, greeting each other there with a smile. I saw you intentionally skip me, but judged your intentions at the time as an honest mistake, and then later considering them as nervous or perhaps knowing more than I did or than you let on at first. I return to the line and this time we interact. Your greeting is warm, my response was a nervousness I kick myself for later, but somehow felt possibly endearing, observing from my subconscious perch any clues I might gain. We touch and get a picture to commemorate the day, a picture which sits on my desk this very day. It shines in full color as the rest of what this world offers has faded to black and white, just as we both have said it would.

I find myself on a hillside, prepared with a rolled up blanket, as the sun starts to sink. Somehow I realize you are there, despite any logical or apparent reason. I set off searching for you and find you interacting with the others that have gathered for the fireworks show. I nervously approach, but less so than before, seeming to grasp, at least on some level, this so real feeling realm is a dream for me. I stand in your eye shot on the green hill, trying to look as nonchalant as I can. I inch closer and realize you have noticed but are not wandering away and so I say hello. You recognize me and as we talk the crowd seems to drift away; did they leave or simply fade from my view and so also the realm? Such considerations were far from me at the time, lost in your eyes. I invite you to share my blanket, and to my surprise you agree! We walk so closely to each other up to the edge of the hill. Day turns to night as we take our seats side by side. The land is dark and empty now, but all I can feel is you, real as day, realer than anything else has the right to be for me in that moment, directly by my side, close enough to touch.

A minute goes by and you bump into me. I turn and see you face to face, you stare at me like a deer caught in headlights, nervous but seemingly unwilling to move from your close proximity. I empathize with that position and greet you warmly, possibly for the first time. Much like I did in your shoes you remain silent, nerves overtaking you. Finally you lead off with an intimate detail I did not expect from one such as yourself, but I counter with an on topic playfulness and goofy dance that lightens the mood. I see you light up, both inside and out. You ease further into my world, moving from sepia to full color, as you goofily copy my sick dance moves.

I feel our realms have each been brought to the table this night, as we sit nearly touching, but in a balanced nervous silence that also seems equally as flattering all around, our hearts pounding in unison. The first firework goes off and then others, as we marvel at the spectacle. I find myself wondering now, where did they come from in a shared space so empty? I glance down the hillside, dark but now illuminated just slightly by the fireworks, and I lean sideways toward you, just enough so that our shoulders brush. Somehow you know this means to look where I am looking, and as I point down the hill I see the shadowy figures gain a more tangible form as soon as our gaze falls on them at the same time. I more feel your smile than catch it, out of the corner of my eye; this experience seems novel for you, and while I do not understand why just yet, you lean into me as well and rest your head on my shoulder as we continue to watch the display.

I hear of the raffle while still thinking of you and I suddenly realize I have all the tools I need to win this contest on your behalf, here in my dream. I pat my pocket though to find my wallet missing! "That little thief!" I whisper with a smirk, now shooting a glance up to exactly where you are, across the way, once more peeking out at me from the crowd. You hold my wallet up with a look that is both apologetic and defiant, as if you're sorry you took it, but you would do it again, in a second, under the same circumstances. I try to make my way to you, but you disappear into the crowd once more. As I start considering all the ways I could rig the contest and we can take the trip together, I realize the resonance of our thoughts has brought yours into focus, and I can only assume it did the same for you in this moment. We conspire along similar lines, unsure of what the other knows of this connection, with this new walkie talkie system still in its infancy. I can simply feel that this connection will serve us well as the days march on, the emotion and thoughts in a dream being just as real as those experienced or had while awake. I have been using this connection intentionally, unsure of the validity of the results until this night but, as I consider, I realize that not only was this connection real but you had it in place for far longer than I did, spying from a distance, as you do, since first light so it seems. Not only that, but I realize such a thing can only form by agreement, and so I cast aside any concerns of having pressed uninvited, simultaneously casting any concerns you might have had along those lines as well.

We marvel at the crowd below as the finale lights up the sky. In this moment things are quiet inside, blissfully so, as I now realize neither of us were thinking much of anything, just basking in this new thing we were experiencing, filled with butterflies that were each taking a break as we became aligned, calmed, and enlivened by love all at once, the eye of this storm. The dream fades there for me, but a single scene from another replaces it now as we walk along the boardwalk. Streetlights illuminate our way, and despite it being a first date in some senses, we talk as if it were our thousandth. As we walk this time though, some of what we say alights on my mind like a refreshing dew. 

"You know this is already finished right?" You say, walking backward ahead of me, with a look of immeasurable excitement in your eyes. Meanwhile I am still trying to keep up, now realizing that I may have seen this dream well out of time. "We touched, that was the only stipulation! I think I might call you tomorrow. It'll be completely out of the blue, but who cares between us two?" I ponder this for a moment, only now feeling at liberty to actually respond with wisdom. "It would be out of the blue. What if it stunts what you can become here? What if we have been travelers without a true home for so long, or could end up being honored guests anywhere but not have a realm to really call our own, once we leave here? Could it be that something might be lost by securing the end and then seeing it so closely together?" I look back up at you expecting you to look hurt by my suggestion at delaying even for a moment; honestly it seems out of place for me on that night and even out of line with my conscious desires now, when the only thing I want is to be back in your arms as soon as possible. Instead I see you considering as well, and then I remember that perfect means perfect and it would be more difficult than I realize to hurt my soulmate with an honest question. "You know, I think I see your point." I see the gears turning for you, and realize they are far different than my own. While I only catch glimpses of this story, from my own largely linear point of view, it is as if you have seen so much more, and can use that information that I remain ignorant of to steer the ship from the clouds. After a few more moments of careful consideration your face lights up and your eyes meet mine with a bloom I have seen since but never thought I might have seen so early. You rush toward me and jump into my arms, wrapping your legs around my waist and kissing me time, time, and time again before finally whispering in my ear "It won't be easy, but just know I have seen the plan from this very night, and for me this happened right on time, right when it seemed to. I realize you'll need to forget this, you'll need to even come close to forgetting me, and then we'll need to come back together. I also know you know nothing of what I have in mind, but as you like to remark 'perfect means perfect' and darling, this will be perfect. It is only a matter of time before what I've seen comes to pass, but it will take years. All the while I will dream of you, write of you, speak of you, hiding my words well and then poorly from your vantage point as the time to get back to each other draws near, so that the whole wave hits you at once, in a way just like you have planned for me, but dissimilarly of course." You nibble my ear with those last words and I blush at how I am simply killing it on this first date with the girl of my literal dreams. I lean back and catch your eyes. "As you wish. I can't imagine wanting anything else as much as I want to be with you, but if forever can be certainly secured in a finite time right here, a matter of several years, then at least here and now as I say these words, I am on board." She hops back down "Oh, for you Mr. Rulebreaker it won't be that long, we're nearing the end as we speak. But for you, sweet dreamer, I will be seeing you as often as I can in our dreams. In the meantime, write. Write me pathways and write me doors. Write to fill my lonely nights with thoughts of love and thoughts of you and I will do the same for you. It might not feel like it right now, but every word is weighed, and I will personally judge yours where I see fit, which is to say where I can without breaking the outcome, and where I can reasonably sneak in for a visit. I know you won't remember this as such right now, but let this perfect walk we shared down the boardwalk burn into your mind all your days. Remember how the girl of your dreams saw you as the man of hers, and how everything shined beautifully right from the very start. That should kick things off just right and I will do the best I can to keep events rolling right along from my vantage point. Just know I have already forgiven your mistakes as well, and that I would make this easier however I could, but only if in forgiveness it also meant eternity in your arms, as is guaranteed now by sticking to the plan." 

I can hardly believe what I am hearing, but her words ring so true that I know I will have forgotten them in my present state by morning. Only the distant version of myself picking up this interaction will, finally seeing our conversations truly for what they are: not some fantasy of words I wished had been shared, but as a steering from my own vantage point, to uncover words that have always been there. It is those words which resonate that I pick up now like treasures left lying on the beach. Even covered in sand they shine just as bright and just as real, and my frequency has been set to allow no falsehoods and reveal only those truths along my specific walk. While this means there is plenty more gold to pick up, much of which will likely just be carried to me by my love in a basket or already adorning our home when we arrive, I save these artifacts I find along the way, as treasured signposts, signposts of good gold I have found to keep me pressing on, leading me back with ever more haste, to you.