Associative Memory

I have found that there's a thought process that one can enter that is really treacherous. It is when one references and considers a train of thought to its limit, as if reverse engineering the process, in the moment, of thinking that specific thought and the "tracks" that the train is on, from every angle. It's basically full associative memory, where you do not/cannot disallow associations, specifically between people known and seen.

I realized that one's direct family (or whoever one spent their formative years with) essentially "claim" many of these associations in one's youth, and so there is naturally a restricted pool remaining when one seeks a mate. How, and how many of, these lines are crossed is up to the individual making the choices, but ultimately it is up to that individual on a subconscious level, moreso than a conscious one.

One example, for me, is in a woman's name. It is not like I set out looking for a specific name, but dating someone with my mother's or sister's name has been identified to me as off the table, since either highschool or college. In highschool or college, I did know an attractive young woman with my sister's name and, every time I considered asking her out, it was like the train of consideration smashed into the same "name wall" in my mind. This is one example of why I say that such associations are held subconsciously, and there is a limit to what the conscious mind can do to supercede such associations, whether this limit is presently comprehended by an individual or not.

The reason I call all of this "treacherous," is because it seems that, for love to be found in full by all, this inelastic mental state must be experienced by all, at least once. For me, I have noticed that physical appearance- even in specific/granular details like eye shape and color- mannerisms, the sound of one's voice, etc. can all influence this intrinsic impressionistic associative engine. I once wrote of "irreconcilable differences," in the full field of all things possible, and this romantic field seems to be one of, if not the, most critical one to get right, perhaps requiring that it is established perfectly, inside and out. Interestingly, I have noticed that this does not lock one's partner into a specific state, or even the same inelastic state at the same time, but instead identifies said partner a crystallized field, in which they can form naturally. If anything, identifying such rigid guidelines has revealed how much potential lies beyond and in the midst of the elastic remainder. It feels like approaching an art project, of the imagining and engineering of an ideal reality, and being well prepared, with canvas, brushes, a full spectrum of paints, etc., to create a masterpiece. It reminds me a bit of The Land of Nod, right now.