On Worship... and grapes

I just realized a way to determine that I worship God! This may seem silly given the degree to which I write of God, but consider that worship would be a process of following the will of someone else despite your own will contradicting it. By this definition, the things I do regarding searching out God and driving to think through and act in love, despite being commandments, are also after my own heart. In this way, while I am striving to have a heart like God, because I want to have a heart like God, this would not be considered worship. The opportunities to worship God, in terms of number available, diminish therefore as one approaches the heart of God. It feels like ultimately worshipping God is meant to be a difficult thing, toward the end of the path, because such close alignment would nearly eliminate the field of things that are in God's will, but not in your own. I am thinking of certain more apparent exceptions now, but as Jesus has called me not to judge others, and these do not apply in my own situation, they are not open possibilities for worship either (currently held as apparent paradoxes, but often pondered as how they would not be paradoxes, and instead be hidden opportunities for even greater blessings once reconciled).

I just turned down a Sunday shift because I treat Sunday as my sabbath, neither working nor "taking a load into or out of my house." I have followed these rules relatively well since being called to do so, only once that I can recall giving in to temptation. While working Sunday would be easy and lucrative, as there are few calls and overtime involved, and I would have done that in lieu of a more challenging weekday shift, I immediately said no due to this restriction, which to some degree God has instructed. There are those who might say there is an importance to observing the Sabbath on Saturday, and others who might say Jesus said we were not bound by the Sabbath, but regardless, this is what I have set for myself in good faith after prayer and consideration. As a side note, I also have a consistent way of marking the days for this that differs from Jewish or modern date tracking methods- sunrise to sunrise, given that my nights go past midnight in most cases. In this sense I feel as though I worship God, in the sense that I forgo my will based off of a commandment, even if others disagree with the specific way in which I do.

The importance of the Nazarite vow, as a special vow one can make to The Lord, also crystallizes in many ways in its importance in this context of worship. Consider that worship is a much more difficult thing the further your heart is from the heart of God; specifically in the area of love, if one does not feel it, it is difficult to follow this command against one's own will. It is the unique nature of God's commandments generally being on the ultimately optimal path that make worship such a tricky thing. Consider if one worshipped a person, for example, that person could easily tell one to do something that was against their will, even if the two people are closely aligned in general, so worship would still be easily identified even when a conflict of wills is involved. By contrast, when it comes to God's heart, this does not seem to be true. Perhaps this is why Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

This feels like it would be in reference to the ultimate arrangement, where hearts are aligned and a closeness has been achieved, because in that state the opportunity for worship is at a minimum (the burden), as you are both "on the same page."

So the Nazarite vow offers what seems like an intentionally unique set of rules to follow. The specific vows are a mix of easy and difficult, purposeful and seemingly unusual, but I thought I would provide my interpretation of why this is the case, even though much of this is a repeat of a previous post. One is to not drink alcohol (fermented beverage); I must say this one began as difficult for me, but it has not been a draw for some time. I know alcohol is something that has a negative overall effect on me, and so once its addictive qualities were removed from my processing, my will and God's will have aligned regarding this command. So this effect is no longer "worship," for me, though it was when taking the vow. 

The commandment regarding vinegar is an interesting one. I felt distraught at this when I found out how many foods contained vinegar, and I prayed to express my concern. The response was to examine the details of the vow closely, as I have done with others, most notably Japheth's vow. When I did, I found it interesting that my translation said not to "drink" vinegar. This caused me to examine the Hebrew, and sure enough the word is best translated as "drink" which is well contrasted in the same section by the use of the word "consume" as a prohibition for grapes. I felt like this was an important revelation in the process of aligning my heart and mind and soul with God's, because it was not God's intention to burden me unduly with the vow, but seemed to be the intention to get me to actually study the word closely instead, and come to this conclusion. Later a friend asked me if I was able to consume foods that contained beer, and once more I examined the text and realized "fermented beverage" was only restricted by "drink" and not "consume," so I told him I could (as long as it wasn't grape beer -.-). He expressed his own opinions on my interpretation of this vow, but I told him he could implement those if he ever decided to take the vow himself, as this was between God and I, and my interpretation was technically sound, and legally defensible.

There is also a commandment for not being near a dead body. I took this broadly initially, for months "shaving my head" (another adjustment made, for better or worse, due to limited resources- I used no guard clippers instead of a razor, hopefully that's okay...), whenever I encountered anything dead on the street. I was shocked to find how often I would encounter dead animals on the street in this phase! It seems unlikely that so many pigeons would die in a 1/3 mile walk to and from work, but this seemed to happen every 10 days or so on average. There was a dragonfly that flew directly under my foot as I was walking, like so close to footfall that it was unavoidable. There would be dead cockroaches in my house found at intervals as well. This started to feel like a concerted effort to keep me from growing out my hair, knowing my specific interpretation, to the point where it was getting dark- I saw a pigeon that looked like someone had cut off its head right on my path one day, and also a cat that had been freshly hit by a car one night, still warm. It was sad. In a sense though these events are interesting, because perhaps the timing of my vow was off. If there is meant to be a kind of coordination between the vow being at a certain fulfillment level, and the world's state, then this specific vow, which includes a specific thing to do if broken in order to reset the vow's timer, seems to be the one that would need to be used to line up timing well. My overly sensitive heart may have been an advantage here, allowing for these adjustments. Then one day I found myself reassessing this component as if externally driven, a "push" to do so. I had considered that "meat" and "dead body" were materially different, and this was challenged, seemingly by The Holy Spirit directly. The result though was that I codified that it was not God's intention to have me reset my vow each time I saw a dead animal or bug, that I needed to allow the timing to progress, avoiding only human dead bodies as more specifically indicated. This became a painful possibility of worship being tested, as this would mean that even if family died services could not be attended to, but I also got the sense that this was not a parameter that was intended to be tested. It could be that such a thing might have been necessary, if I had not interpreted this point differently at the outset but had still started when I did, so even my shift in interpretation (which in and of itself was no simple matter), seems to have been meaningful, and a blessing. 

Another factor is the matter of the length of the vow. Now if examining the text directly, there is no indication as to when the vow ends. I have heard it said the assumed period is a year, but as far as I can tell one cannot claim this as certain if using strictly the Bible as their reference. I would accept an argument based on interpretation of The Law using references in other verses perhaps, but in this passage it is clear that there is no direct timeframe, and this seems like a glaringly obvious omission; I do not believe this omission was unintentional, however. When I considered it myself, well into the vow, I realized that the only interpretation I could currently support was that God would indicate directly when it was over. Knowing myself, I would be highly suspicious of indirect attempts at this, especially considering how Samson was effectively tricked out of his hair and the vow. God would know this of me as well, and I am assuming that this vow was always meant as a kind of final gauntlet for me, specifically if I would stick to it despite looking less and less "professional" and becoming less aligned with the world, once I internalized that the only ending to this would be God directly indicating that the vow was over. This was not a very difficult decision for me, but in part I will admit it is because I grow weary of being alone, in the partnered sense, in this place. It felt almost relieving to know that regardless of the time remaining, the chances that the world would pull me back into itself diminished with each passing day as my hair continues to grow long (and beard, which I am also growing out, though this is not required for this vow). My assumption, which actually feels more tangible with each passing day, is either God will send my soulmate to release me from it, and/or that I will somehow see God firsthand to indicate the release, though I am still unclear as to how I would know with certainty that I am seeing God, but I trust God could pull it off. So I persist, somewhat comforted by the fact that I am in my final stage of things, regardless of how long this stage ends up taking.

Finally there is the component that one cannot consume grapes or any part of grapes/grapevines. Now from a reality crafting perspective this may very well be important in some unseen way, perhaps pertaining to the cup of God's wrath and etc., but on the surface it seems quite unusual. Personally I have found joy as well at some unexpected struggle regarding this point, more so than with the others. It feels like a temptation that was meant to be slight in intrinsic force (grapes are not addictive or a staple, or in nearly as much as vinegar is), but as a present temptation throughout the entire vow. In fact, I have found myself craving grape items like oatmeal raisin cookies more and more as time has gone on, an effect that might be based off my body's lack of a specific resource contained within, but it feels like more than that. It feels almost like this point gives an opportunity to be tested where the specific stakes are quite low, while the general stakes would be understanding that one had failed in their vow to God, which feels quite high. The risk of failing this aspect of the vow overall feels fairly low as well. Personally, given how food can sometimes be incompletely labeled these days, I reasoned that this part of the vow was not meant to be something that one could be tricked into failing, but rather that it measured the heart. I am diligent when it comes to reading the labels for any foods that might be suspect (salami, who knew!), and if I have not considered a food in this way because I never thought to, but I suddenly get a push to examine its ingredients, I quickly shift into investigator mode. Ultimately it is as though God and I have worked out an arrangement to adjust for the current state of things, where grape products that sneak into my diet are filtered out as necessary. If I become aware of having eaten grapes after the fact I do not stress about it, nor have I failed my vow, but I diligently avoid that food in the future. Essentially this has become a test in my intention to eat anything containing grapes, and it seems not just satisfactory but almost preferred that I interpret it based off of intention, as far as the vow goes. 

A fun side effect of this has been that I now claim in jest that grapes are poison, so when I turn down food, many who know me well have heard me say "I can't, it's poisoned... with grapes." This kind of constant examination of ingredients along very specific lines, and almost playful temptation for chocolate covered raisins and grape soda and oatmeal raisin cookies (foods that were not nearly as tempting prior to the vow) feels like good natured and good fun kind of tests. While the tests themselves are minor, I am only today fully realizing that they prove one thing: I do worship God. In these specific instances I am following God's will for me, based on this vow I have made, rather than following my own will. In addition to the joy that it brings catching random out of place tests (like the one morning my mom's friend unexpectedly handed me a bunch of grapes, or the time my mom got me a grape flavor 5 hour energy drink in my Christmas stocking) and going "aha!" as I catch these shenanigans as they're taking place, I am realizing they have been a quiet answer provided in advance to the question of if I can truly worship God, especially when it feels like we have become closer in heart over time, so many commandments are becoming more like instinct. Moreso than claiming to be perfect, for I am still far from, I am saying that this understanding helps when my mind stretches to the limit function of love, to see that worship can still exist under these conditions, due to the careful planning of "battle lines" in advance. 

Part of me was also concerned about the heat of having long hair going into the Phoenix summer; If it were up to me I'd cut it short for sure. It's funny how the grapes made me come to this realization about worship first, even though the hair is much more of a day to day discomfort. Perhaps I am one to find lessons more in joy than hardship, remembering the humor of things like attempts at "poisoning," over the constant background discomfort of hot head. It took a while to piece it all together, but I am glad to have this insight regarding worship, understanding that I am not only capable of it, but actually doing it, even as the lines blur regarding where I exercise my will and where I subject my will to God's in many other areas. Along this path it starts to feel like one is just becoming entirely unruly, unwilling to bend what one feels is right to anything the world suggests or demands or even pleads for, so knowing that you still bend your will for God is a comfort. 

It is interesting that this point really starts to line up as well with what Jesus said in John 17:16

"They are not of the world, even as I am not of it."

In a world in the state such as it is, you do start to really feel separated out on matters of will, and for a time this separation feels like it is too much to bear. For me I walked the line of madness and homelessness, crossing them more than once, and ultimately being restored into in a position that asked me to make fewer sacrifices, and those I have made I have been able to bear for this interim period. Still, it is only Jesus' promise of a swift return that keeps me as tethered as I am, and fortunately tethered now in relative comfort, as I await the coming of The Lord.