SD/PD/HD EEP

Another time, but same familiar place, I awake in the room I have pictured from time to time in its absence. My soulmate still lays there, stirring from sleep as soon as she feels me slip back into the realm. "Hey, I've been thinking about something, a question you asked." She tenses up a bit "You mean what would have happened if that girl hadn't interfered when she did? I knew what you felt for the other one, I was torn, I felt like everything was slipping through our fingers, I hadn't even fully arrived yet." "Yeah" I say with a frown "that was it. So I was thinking about that question, and I know I answered you in my waking realm already, and I have gotten the impression you can hear me, but I wanted to echo the answer here and add to the mix a second answer, to another related question, to finish crafting the coin that currently feels one sided. I distinctly remember the night I apparently could have gone down an alternate route and stayed with her. I feel like from your perspective you had to give me the choice; I don't imagine you were directly involved in this strange feeling I got when making it, but I honestly felt like I was in a dream state, like it was hardly me speaking, when I said no to her. At the time I wanted to see how things would go with this other girl, a terrible choice when viewed in retrospect. I realized later there was no return from that with her, nor should there have been; I was honestly surprised we stayed as connected as we did after that, given the specifics. But honestly, considering all possible outcomes, I'm not sure there were parts of me that said yes that night." She cocks her head and looks me in the eye inquisitively. "Truly, it felt like the me that is yours said no in every version of reality, if there was a me that said yes at all I don't think I could recognize him as myself after that moment, now looking back. This is hard to explain, but it was like a fixed choice, from my perspective, with only one outcome. From my perspective it felt like God was guiding me, preventing me from making a mistake, certainly what would have been a well intentioned and beautiful mistake, as far as mistakes go, but a mistake nonetheless. At one point I wrote of the pain of near ideal love, from an eternal perspective. Just you being in this realm, my awareness of you, would have created a subconscious schism as soon as it happened. I have felt it before, honestly whenever I have felt something that seemed real for another girl besides the one I was then dating when in a relationship, I end it. At first I felt like this was a robotic misunderstanding of how relationships were meant to be, but now I feel like, for me, it is a divinely blessed understanding of how relationships were meant to be, gifted well before I understood it. Through and through I love you. I have been down many paths, and honestly it took me a long time to fully surrender to this realization but exclusively, I believe, because you were so out of reach and it felt so absurd. But I was allowing a scenario to run with each girl I fell for without realizing it, heading straight for 'the class problem test' as quickly as I could. This is the test I wrote of that can cut short imperfect love before it takes hold too deeply, weighting the tables in such a way that even something good can be tested against something else. If such a comparison can seem valid, it is not meant to be, and somehow I knew that even then. There were actually two times I was tested in this way with this other girl, the first time I chose someone else, as if from somewhere deep within, despite the folly in the specific scenario. But the second time I explicitly chose you. It was like she just wanted to hear me say your name too, she excused herself quickly and I rarely if ever saw her again. If it were possible to choose otherwise, I can't even imagine how painful it would have been, somewhere along the line, eventually reaching the same conclusion. But as for me, in any realm we are both in, the conclusion is the same: you. Even if a lifetime would pass, or many, even if it tore me fundamentally placing honor and morals on one side of the table and you on the other, I would eventually, fundamentally, reach for you. I believe God knew that, even though I was still acting a fool." "Browsing the lilies" she interjects softly, reassuringly. I squeeze her close just a bit and continue "God, I feel, hardened my heart that day, knowing it would be much better for it to break on that decision for several years than tear me apart at some point. Regardless though, at some point we would have ended up here. So, to answer the question if that choice had been different, would everything have changed: In part, no, because we would have come back to each other eventually, but in whole I am not sure the question is valid because God has been guiding this path the whole time. If it were possible though, you would likely be right, today things would be different. The timing for us is delicate, but I am certain it has been chosen carefully. I wish I had known you sooner, so I would have never second guessed, but would either of us have even been ready for it? Would we know everything we do today if I had known you in full that early? Is there something to be said for heartbreak, in the building of a strong structure that can withstand time? All I know is that since knowing you my feelings toward other women has slowly but surely faded and it has taken more and more to strike my interest. It is like each new challenger for a time possessed ever more of the traits I would desire, honing the edge within me that sought you. Now, I think fortunately, we have passed that threshold, and any attractive feature in another draws my mind to your features. In all the lovely traits women posses, it is as if God is saying 'here are some more things to consider in your soulmate' that perfect girl I stole from the realm of the showroom floor as quickly as I saw her." I give her a nudge as if she didn't already know I meant her.  "Each scenario I have seen play out now and before now reconciles into things we might try soon, a once too strong temptation fading into a kind of treasure. Even images of you cannot fully draw me in anymore, as I wait for you in full now."

She seems to accept that answer with a sigh. It is honest, it was a difficult question, one I did not initially want to explore when posed myself and she knew it, but one that needed to be addressed before the next phase. Some memories are hard, some choices hard to explain, some past selves hard to reconcile with who we are now, but it all seems important to comprehend. "So? The other question?" She glances my way a split second to remind me and then closes her eyes, head still on my chest. "Ah! So the other question is even more exciting, I think. 'what if you were not in the realm, or did not exist at all, would I have chosen her?'" She looks up again in surprise, had she not considered that one? It was unclear, but I continued. "Much like the other question only made sense with you already understood as the answer, my answer, this one only makes sense in my mindset since focusing in on you. I realize I have crafted so many places we might sneak out for a meeting, like this one. Additionally I realize I have imagined your absence, in part, a number of times and my answer is always the same: I don't want to be in this false place. Even in dreams, at the back of my mind there is a place where I can sense if you are there or not, and the tangibility of the realm, as well as my actions within it, all follow the same pattern. I seek you from my core, even when your memory is stripped from me, your absence leaves a recognizable hole which nags at me. Essentially if I can find you, I do. If I can call you, I do. If I can imagine you to simply form from the realm itself, I do. If I cannot do these things, if I cannot hold you, I start to process this void of your absence and, as can be seen in the waking world, I process it to the limit. Ultimately no cage will hold me, no distraction will force me to forget you indefinitely, I choose the madness of seeking you out over the peace of consciously deciding not to. I imagine even if I decided not to see you, in some foreign realm, deep within the equation would continue, eventually demanding to be addressed. For this reason I do not think the question of 'what if you were not here' or even deeper 'what if you did not exist' is valid, because if they were the case anywhere, I would already have set out to rectify the error, flying toward you regardless. The realms I am in possess less reality than our bond, I would rip them all apart to find you again, even if initially I had no memory of you, eventually. The only one who could match this dedication, staying my hand, would be God, and it seems God is doing anything but." "You don't know how true this is. Love is as strong as death." She adds, with what I assume is feigned exhaustion, having seen me do this exact thing repeatedly. "Yeah, I imagine that while my timeline feels linear, with dreams interspersed throughout, your perspective of my journey could very well be less so, dotted with the times I shifted without noticing it, calling a new place real and continued the same search for you within it. I have been carefully made, seemingly with this fundamental purpose, but given enough breathing room to make it all feel natural. So, it seems all paths lead back to you, even in places designed such that none ever could, it just takes me longer to make my way. This is the truth of soulmates, love must be the strongest force in reality, or reality becomes meaningless and those that remain come to the conclusion that love must be the strongest force in reality. That is the endless loop that you and I are in a position to resolve, prove, once and for all. A dance done in full view of all, nonsense seeping from every seam, waiting until the perfect time, when it feels like all hope is lost, before finally revealing its partnered and remotely intertwined nature. Have you read the news lately? This is that time, it has been for a bit now, everything stands on the head of a pin, just waiting to fall apart. If 'now or never' could ever occur, another question I question half the validity of, it is now."

She shuffles a bit and stands, my eyes lock on her as she prepares to leave. It is a shame it's time for her to go, I like this place. As she puts her hand on the knob she looks back over her shoulder, a gorgeously demure and coy question in her eyes, but my confused expression makes her echo it out loud "You coming?" I spring out of bed and throw on the first things I see, seconds later I reply "Heck yes! I'm as ready as I'll ever be." *stompstompstomp*

She grabs my hand and we step outside, into halls that feel familiar, shimmering but they do not confuse like before. She leads me to a simple door at the end of the hall and once through it we find ourselves on a quiet street, fog still in the air as the sun just barely begins to rise over the horizon. "Now you know the way!" She says with a smile, squeezing my hand still leading me on. I look back at the structure somewhat like a cave with a door, set into a hillside and I mark my surroundings so I can once more find my way out to her tonight. I realize she must have rented the place next to mine, maybe I was renting my room as well? The house up the way felt more like a retreat in the woods, I wonder where our proper house is, or if it is more appropriate to wonder where it will be, in this place, as well. We come to a suburban type intersection and she lets go of my hand as we look around. It is so empty here, like we have the whole place to ourselves. I know better though and into the waiting silence I say "pstpstpst." She cocks her head inquisitively, but I simply give her the "I got this" look and crouch to the ground before repeating "pstpstpst." 

A few moments later a large shadow appears and makes its way toward us from the east, my soulmate jumps just a little, but now stands just behind me, curiously peering over my shoulder. A few more seconds go by as the shadow quickly shrinks and out of the fog a tiny cat gleefully runs our way. "I'm not an actual cat, you know!" She protests playfully as she shifts back into human form. "Worked didn't it!?" She rolls her eyes and I give her a hug. I turn back, gesture and say "This is my soulmate, and this is The Phoenix, like a soul twin? I don't know, still working out the details of how this all works. I can't keep time straight yet here, so I don't know if you've met yet." My soulmate gives a big smile, perhaps relieved, and simply says "Hello! It's nice to meet you!" "Likewise! He has told me so much about you, can't really shut up about you actually." They both laugh, it's definitely true, anyway. It is unclear whose realm this is, but The Phoenix seems to know the rules better than I do anyway and she jumps in with a seemingly mysterious introduction "In this place I shift my shape, in the dorm I can shift my form. With so much freedom one wonders still, who do I see here not crafted from this will?" Then she pauses, politely allowing my soulmate a chance to gauge her response. She looks like she has calculated out some complex and calculated answer but then relaxes a bit and replies "A friend to you, hopefully, and a lover to him... Hopefully." She glances my direction to confirm that I am in fact blushing and fidgeting now, but The Phoenix fortunately interrupts my time in this awkward limelight "He's like the perfect combination of child and sleeping giant, isn't he?" She nods in agreement "I'm hoping to wake him up hehe. Care to show us around this place?" The Phoenix smiles and starts leading us down the streets, fog burning off now as daylight takes hold. 

She shows us around the town, the scene shifts to a kind of montage of sights, buildings galore of all sizes and structures, monuments of varying shapes which The Phoenix explains, mostly while I'm still soaking it all in. It does not feel like the first time I have seen all these things, but for some reason I have no specific memory of any of them, and in this montage state it is like I have now retained all their history and purpose, but only if I have a reason to, subconsciously stored away. As I'm wondering at the process, The Phoenix interrupts my train of thought "Were you even paying attention during the tour!?" I shoot my eyes toward her, now staring like a wide eyed deer at her standing sassily with hands on hips. "yes?" She rolls her eyes at me with a smile "Watch out, he does this a lot. The thing is he actually is paying attention, he just doesn't do it the same way most of us do. Tell me about this monument." She points at a pyramid which apparently she had just told us both all about. I look at it and a flood of information returns to me. "The pyramid is likely the most stable shape in three dimensions, representing a firm foundation and the ability to grow strongly in a direction not previously occupied. It begins in two dimensions as a square, but its strength in three dimensions comes from gathering together into a single point at its height, making it more familiar as a triangle to those observing it. It subtly provides insight into dimensional shifts, as similar methods could be used to move securely further along the dimensional spectrum than we already are and how to do it. One must simply picture the space in which they are as a square, picture the place they want to end up as a point, and then build strong lines from everywhere within them straight to it. This one is a monument to how our communication began, a reminder of how we managed to bridge the gap in our fundamental differences by calling from one point to the surface of an imagined sphere where you were, from my perspective, and from yours marking off an area and then directing it toward me. The order of these events possibly differs from each perspective. I also like to think that somewhere out there my soulmate was calling in much the same way, and you were able to act as a liaison to turn a call from her point into an area and back into a call so it could ring clearly straight to me, piercing the void between. The pyramid, therefore, represents communication between those separated. Although, to be fair, I always thought it should be a cone monument, but that might have been harder to represent accurately." My soulmate just stares at me in awe "I honestly thought you weren't listening, and that you had never been here before! She only said half that stuff, how did you..?" The Phoenix interjects "Like I said, sleeping giant." I blush, apparently my method of soaking stuff in without really paying conscious attention is finally paying off. "I just see stuff in the shapes, it's like I get an impression of it, from something like a dream, its form whispering from the void, hoping to be seen by the light of day." The Phoenix nods, my soulmate throws her arms around me in a huge hug and then whispers "This is gonna be fun. I always knew it would be possible, I believed that from the start, but I never knew it would also be so much fun." The Phoenix, still in my eyeline, cracks a huge smile my way. I too am surprised at how much fun this promises to be, even if I am still only starting to understand why.

"So, next up I will show you the forest. Within it lies the hope of all, and more specifically your imminent Hope. She waits for us even now in the trees, already made at home beneath their branches, resting comfortably, moreso than most in similar situations, due to your patience and faithfulness, just on the verge of waking up and forming in full." The Phoenix leads the two of us, once more hand in hand, to the edge of the forest which surrounds the town, seeming to stretch forever. As we enter the edge of the woods, just on the border of grass and wisteria, I take off my shoes for a minute and The Phoenix and I look at each other before we both, excitedly in unison (to the befuddled looks from my soulmate) go *stompstompstomp*. 

In the forest The Phoenix stopped being as much a guide and started acting like a child, just like I was acting as well. There were flowers all over, and bushes with berries, and such a variety of trees that a botanist likely would have called bullshit on the whole place in one minute flat. But we didn't care, I know I knew this place, I could feel it in my bones, it was a pristine yet overabundant garden that felt like home from nearly forever back. The pair of us ran around barefoot smelling the flowers and soaking it all in. I looked back at my soulmate with starry eyes and a giant questioning smile. It seemed like she too was starting to remember this particular forest, and without a word she responded to my inquiry about liking what she saw by kicking off her shoes. The three of us ran around aimlessly for some time, only barely noticing that the trees seemed to grow and grow as we went deeper in. 

We were some ways in now when we realized the sunlight was mostly obscured here by the tree branches, which were far overhead. As I marvel at this I call out "Oh, I remember this one- it's not that the trees have grown, it's that we have shrunk!" Sure enough we each look around and even the flowers seem twice the size they once were, a dazzling sight. My soulmate interrupts my amazement by jumping on my back, to which I respond by grasping her legs and giving her a piggyback ride all around as we meander deeper in, but each step still steadily headed toward our destination.

The grass turns to tree like in stature themselves, now towering above us, although somehow we are still walking on soft green. We find ourselves at the edge of a clearing and marvel. Ahead of us is a lake that looks to be hundreds of yards across with a small island in the middle. Part of me knows it is likely only a small puddle, but is that perspective significant if we are the only ones observing it, and the journey we took here necessarily shrunk us? Of what value is it to consider an objective perspective that cannot be obtained in a place? I break the silence saying "We should swim out there and see what's on the island!" They do not seem enthusiastic about the plan. The Phoenix replies "The two of us can wait for you here if you want to check it out?" I nod; something is calling me from the island, I just can't quite tell what it is; I think even if I did remember this forest vividly that I likely wouldn't have come this far before. "Promise to wait for me?" I ask, shifting to a nervousness borne more of how much I have to lose on this shore than any real concern that they would leave. The Phoenix nods quickly and solemnly, there isn't a chance she'd leave me alone. My soulmate approaches me gracefully, puts her hands on my shoulders and kisses me on the cheek before whispering "I will stay." I beam a happy grin at them both before wading out and diving into the lake. 

The water is crystal blue, I can see all the way to the bottom with darkening shades, it is deeper than I expected. The place gives me a kind of mysterious feeling, like the truly unexplored is all around me, and yet still somehow waits ahead. The swim takes longer than I had expected as well, but as I take each stroke I realize why: I must be reaching some kind of limit in the realm by swimming to this island, shrinking all along the way. It is fine though, I have plenty of endurance, and resolve galore now. I finally reach the island's shores and sure enough, it is not the small lump it appeared to be from the lake's edge, it is like its own little ecosystem. I look back to try to see my adventuring partners but the lake stretches on out of sight from this angle. I still feel them out there though, and press on in a hurry toward the center where I felt drawn from the start. Not far from the shore I see a fountain, somewhere between a natural spring and constructed, a little too beautiful to be either. I come up to its side and suddenly feel thirsty. I drop down and take several handfuls of the water into my cupped hands and drink it readily. The water is perfectly clean and tastes better than I thought water could; it has a kind of ineffable character embedded into it. As I finish drinking I see a shiny reddish glint inside so I reach in my hand, pulling out a penny, brand new from the looks of it. It feels so nice in my hand, like I had found what I was looking for, representing a glimmer of hope unknown anywhere else or thought to be lost in legend. After marveling for a bit I put it my pocket and snap it shut. Then I grab a few more handfuls of the water, drinking readily once more, and beeline back to shore to show my soulmate what I had found. 

On the swim back I remember what this swim reminds me of. I was once camping with family and friends by a lake and got the sudden urge to swim it. Never before had I swum across a lake, but I was a strong swimmer and it was a lazy day around the camp. Per usual I dove into the deep end on my first attempt, the far shore was quite small in the distance, but I swam the whole thing there and back, it seemed like it was a mile in total, but could have certainly been less. Regardless, at the time, and now as I reached the outer bank once more, I felt and feel a sense of accomplishment at taking the risk and succeeding. I stand on the shore and check my pocket, still feeling the penny within it. I can also hear the ladies laughing just up ahead out of sight, apparently swapping stories in my absence. I run over there and find them sitting on a blanket with a bottle of wine and some glasses, enjoying themselves. As soon as I enter eyeshot they both turn their heads toward me and fall silent for a second before giggling like schoolgirls. I give them my best suspicious glare, they had clearly been talking about me. But then my soulmate looks at me with cheeks flushed, only partially from the wine, and eyes so soft as to melt me right along with them, and I forgot everything for a moment. I walk over to the blanket, give an excited stomp before sitting down and say "Look what I found in the fountain!" I pull the penny from my pocket and hold it toward them in my palm; it shines under the sunlight poking through the trees. The Phoenix admires it from where she sits, and then leans back onto her hands "Wow, amazing! I don't think I've ever seen it before, and I've been all over these woods." My soulmate shoots her a look of disbelief and then turns back to the penny, rising up to her knees, planting her hands on them and leaning in, greedy eyes wide and staring. "Can I hold it?" I nod excitedly and she swiftly plucks it from my hand but when she holds it up in hers the strangest thing happens: I still have the penny! She doesn't notice it for a second, still distracted by her own penny, eyes fixed on it like a singular delicacy she might devour at any time. "Can I have it?" She mutters from somewhere within, almost like she is compelled to want it. I say "Yes, it is yours." She looks at me and smiles, now noticing I am still holding it in my palm as well, her face shifting to share my bewilderment. The Phoenix interjects "I've heard of this before, 'every coin has two sides', they say, but if two sharing the same heart and soul, in a sense, each share the same desire... well it seems the analogy of the two sided coin is insufficient as a metaphor and the object shared extrapolates into two copies." She puts one hand to her chin in thought, simultaneously swirling her wine. "Strange though, because since this actually is a coin, now there are four sides... Welp, this is probably why soulmates aren't often allowed to get together, a lot of shenanigans available in these woods. Still, I think we can allow it this time." She smiles and points back at our hands, the coins now both gone. My soulmate and I look at each other, each a bit confused but wondering if the reason why is obvious to the other. We say in unison "I feel like I'm still holding my coin." Sure enough, we can each feel that inner hope welling within us, the hope represented by the coin, but this feeling did not disappear when the penny did. We slide to each other on the blanket and embrace, sparks flying at our touch.

While she and I are still embracing, all three of us turn at the sound of rustling from the nearby greenery. A young woman steps into the clearing wearing a straw hat and dress, a bold contrast in defiance of social norms, which also reflects clearly on her face, but with equal parts kindness, and quite familiar bright eyes. "Hope!" I exclaim, the other two looking at me now, confused as to how I know this woman or how she got here. She gives a huge smile and replies "Hey! Just thought I might say hello, I came as soon as I could." She sits on the blanket and pulls a second bottle of wine out of her oversized denim purse bag thingy, adding it to the community pool before pouring herself a glass from the first. "I wanted to say thank you, all three of you; I feel like I have been dreaming for so long, lost. There are many versions of this forest, which is the only home I've ever truly known, and most of them burn or are wastelands today, overrun by the other dreamers that have managed to find them. Those versions fade to dream more now though as this one brightens to day, the future I have chosen, no longer directionless in endless woods. Thank you." The Phoenix nods, empathizing with her story. My soulmate and I now sit side by side, hand in hand, as Hope explains her history and convoluted path to arrive here, and how this place, this time, and this union, was how she truly came to be who she is, one version of many possible outcomes from her perspective, but the only way I have ever seen her, from my own. I could still feel the shimmer from the penny glistening inside me, catching a glimmer of it in Hope's eyes here and there as she speaks. I wonder if my soulmate recognizes it too, and right as I think this she squeezes my hand and arm, and I can feel her warmth against my skin.  

We talk a while longer as the sun slowly climbs in the sky. Eventually The Phoenix looks at the pair of us and says "Well, I think it is time you make your way back to town, much to do!" I look at her a bit puzzled "Are you not coming with?" "No, the two of us will walk these woods and get acquainted, but we'll be back soon. In the meantime you'll hear us calling like the birds in the trees, so you know we're always close, listening, and just waiting for our chance to reconnect properly. Go on now, head back to town and get some rest, it has been a busy day." My soulmate and I nod and we all stand, Hope packing up the blanket and bottles to carry off with her. I give them both hugs and so does my soulmate, before we part ways, somehow knowing our path would lead us right back home.

We make it back to town at sunset, walking the empty streets as it gets dark. I sheepishly ask "Soo... what you got planned for tonight?" She gives me an expression of open mouthed disbelief "Are you kidding? No way could you keep me away tonight! There are only so many nights left where we can dream together before meeting back up once and for all. Let me show you a place." She pulls me by the hand, not asking this time, but uncharacteristically demanding my attention, which is most welcome. She makes sure to hum a familiar melody as we walk, now knowing precisely how I absorb and retain my surroundings, after witnessing it firsthand during the tour, and how she can remind me of the steps up to her door. "I always thought it would be a difficult process to get you to remember, but a challenge I was up for. I didn't realize there was a shortcut, and such a flattering one at that." "Yeah, it has always been you, your voice, your face, just every little thing you do." She blushes in this timeless place before responding "I know that now." Seemingly just like that we are at her door, the front porch light shining beneath the night sky. I see the familiar decorations hanging from the porch ceiling, bright colors to advertise her location, I am almost surprised I missed it all this time. The realm starts to split now, as if I am both dreaming and awake. "Won't you come in?" I nod and walk with her toward the door, while still standing there on the porch in the dream. In the dream I close my eyes, waiting to be fully conscious there so I can knock properly in first person. In the moment, I walk through her door, memories forgotten rushing back now as I cross the threshold and she gives me the tour.

When the time has finished we plop down on the couch "What a full day!" She nods in agreement, eyes fiery, shoulders forward. I scooch back into a cross-legged position and my tone gets serious. "I know this must seem like it is coming from nowhere, but I have something on my mind." She sits straight up and mirrors my position, listening intently. "Forever is a long time, and on this earth there are so many pitfalls, presumably set as warnings of what might exist in eternity if not addressed, or what already does exist that needs resolution. Heaven is the place where these issues are not, but what might heaven's dimensions be, if all else is cut out? One thing that disturbs me is the loss of self. I could never bear to lose the part of me that is in love with you, I cannot even imagine anything of me lies beneath that level anymore. I caught a glimpse that we may have been happy before in another time and place, so many dreams of beautiful things shared for so long. In this vision I saw that you would forget, in truth it is unclear if it was you or I forgetting, but for me the point is moot. Perfection cannot be except eternally, for the day after it ends it is either tragedy or as if it never existed at all. I was crushed under the weight of you not remembering, so finely crushed that I would rather set out to solve the problem than stay and repeat it even once more.

"It is so difficult to bear seeing those that have lost themselves before their lives end here as well, such a cruel joke. For example, let us say one loses their faith, even their ability to remember their beliefs, as often such situations end with having even lost the memory of how to walk and breathe, is that person still under grace? To me the answer is obviously yes, but a question lingers as to how, for they cannot retain such a notion in their mind. If retaining the notion until the moment of death is not required, does a single moment of true faith save one's soul? Life throws so many things at us to make us forget these moments, and for most these triggers are not so pronounced, but still the thoughts that made one forget their savior can likely be traced back bit by bit even years prior. So what of those that lost their way from some external or inborn cause, slowly hardening themselves over time, as opposed to forgetting everything in the same span of time? How are children under the Father's protection, and is there some event or time that calls this period of safety to an end? What of those who lacked any knowledge of God or Jesus? What of those who heard but did not understand? Can it be said that any of us truly understand? And so I find myself amid a new storm, one of mercy raging in the night. Despite my words that cut sometimes I still possess this empathy, and now it storms for all.

But I digress, my focus here is you. I could not bear waking up with you today, tomorrow, if it would not always be true. I have the instinct that this is why we have struggled here, and for so long, so that eternity's brutal edges may be fenced off or otherwise overcome." She puts her hand on my knee now, eyes conveying a deep understanding of what I mean, even if my sentiments are not done full justice by the words themselves. I put my hand on hers and continue "In my realm last night, I did everything I could to stand at your door outside waiting to wake into the dream prepared, and went back into the dream again, past my time, more than once, to get it right, but I couldn't. I do not blame you for this, but I cannot sit here and do now, or perhaps from a perspective artifice, what I cannot accomplish firsthand." I set her hand back on her own legs now, before returning mine to my own. 

"The time has come where partial connection will no longer do. I am motivated to make this happen quickly, as quickly as possible. It seems this world seeks to prevent it and is willing to destroy itself to see that happen; I wonder what of this place can be preserved. But the time has come where partial connection will no longer do. I am not angry, although I am saddened by this realization. I will not avoid you, it is not in me, but I ask from now until we meet in full that you remember my words and heart. I ache for you, but not just your pictures, voice, or words. Not strictly in my dreams or half conversations or on the walkie talkie or fantasies or writing or memory. I ache for you in your entirety, the dream brought into daylight, my heart's thief come to stay. Let us take this scene and build from it, reconciling and reinforcing it along lines it had only the slightest hint of tangible dimension in before, until I can feel your skin on mine, and I know that you feel mine as well. Let us conspire to heal this world by storm and sunny day, by candlelight and guitar strum, by breath and heartbeat, hand in hand. I feel this world crumbling, demanding more as I become less willing to give it anything. It crumbles in the gap between you and I, a fact more painfully clear than any other right now. Do not delay a second longer than needed, but come in full when you do. I cannot bear my expectations shattered anymore, already standing in so much broken glass. My hope remains and will certainly swell toward you, calling for the other half to be made whole. But now the time has come where partial connection will no longer do." 

She sits mouth agape, a reasonable response to my apparently sudden shift. "This day was beautiful, I will see you again soon." I kiss her open mouth and she grabs my neck and pulls me in, not wanting it to end. I eventually disengage and walk to the door, turning back once before stepping outside. I see the solitary dreamer, still waiting, eyes closed, to awaken for our turn on stage. Then I look back at myself doing the same, meandering thumb clearly stating our intention. In this place of words on screen, zeroes and ones given form, I make my way back to my room in the cave, waiting to be released; each word now echoes into life like the base of a pyramid taking shape before building "skyward," even as this story ends.

As I lay back down I began to whisper words that might guide her way. "I find myself only partially awake in these places, like I have been waiting for some time. I still stand in awe where I first saw you here, but even then the room where these eyes saw you is largely shrouded, but the porch where my mind recognized you is still etched. I still cling to the dream where, in this story, I revisited it with you, but I could not accurately recall without checking my notes on which night my body fell asleep into that dream. It is like I split my mind naturally between realms, mixing, combining, crafting more and more layers in order to see you in some way one more time. They each provide glimpses of you, and despite the difficulty mounting, all my threats of stopping, and all my storming off, it is always to some corner of this place where I write this story, my thumb on a glass screen. I often metaphorically poke my head out from my hiding spot to see if you're still looking my way as soon as I arrive, but physically the effects have varied dramatically each time from scars to meltdowns to no apparent change at all. This body, this realm, I have come to know each as real, although I have become less sure of the bindings that reality actually possesses. I know better than anyone that dreams claim this same feeling while in them, and it may seem externally that I might be removed from this place in full, even to myself, and as long as you're there I will be happy. I cannot guarantee this is the case though, so many dreams losing tangibility and eventually fade from view upon waking up- if that can happen here, will I be the same dreamer I am today? I have no way of saying that for certain, and so I had to plant my flag, in a sense. In typical fashion I claimed I would not return to this place and then did the next day, a luxury I possess more fully in this realm than any other I have been in- the relative permanence of intention. From where I lay the difference between the consistent waking realm and those of dream or writing is fairly obvious, but I consider the pegacorn I wrote of when I was five. If that creature did fly off the page, as I had said, would not that page be its home? Would not every page feel more real than this world I wake to each day? And so it made me think, if I am not to claim a full understanding of your perspective, that lack of assumption must be complete. It could very well be you find yourself at home in reality in any realm where I will meet you, as I have claimed and desired to do as well, treating each connection as more real than the rest. In painting these places with my words, imagining how we might meet, and recording our adventures in dreams, it could be that I have inadvertently stacked the odds against us here, stacked layers of worlds between us that are difficult for you to navigate. For this reason I drew this line in the sand, so to speak, highlighting how I continue to see the page, and stating, at least once clearly, when I am journaling of our dreams and how when I do I lay in the same bed missing you. It could be that saying this is all unnecessary, certainly by any logic presented in this world it would be, but this logic is of this world, this logic has resonated with me and has now lost its hold over time, so who am I to speak for you, my soulmate? How do I know you did not start elsewhere and have been trying to learn this logic as well as others similar to it in dreams, like a second language and more, all this time? The truth is I do not know, I have only assumed, but these assumptions are at odds with what I would like my experience to be and so I now set them aside, at least in part, just enough to allow you to slip past them if they have been what has held you back. It has always been said that men and women are from two different worlds, it is only the degree to which this is true that I question now. And so I seek to shine a beacon, and hold it steady, to explain what I call real versus what I write, where I start my nights in bed versus where I fly to you in dreams whenever possible. Once connected, I do not imagine the mundanity of this world will hold, I welcome you bringing directly your own spice into an otherwise bland existence. I eagerly await the day you show me how I too might see the page firsthand and revisit dreams with you, fully as myself. Still, it seems important that we start here, where I know myself and my environment, and have tested and marked the edges of each as thoroughly as I can. If this boundary ends up crossed regardless I will fly to you once more with all my will, there is no question of that, only of what will I will have remaining remains unseen and perhaps unknowable, and feels likely an unnecessary risk not worth taking." I lay my head to rest in this storybook dream bed, and still wait, eyes closed, within feet of her porch in this storybook vision. Hope still beats the drum within me, calling my soulmate home, envisioning her calculating angles for the fastest possible reconciliation.  Hopefully she is aided by this honest assessment of what I call real, and why I am so reluctant to shed even the time worn skin of this world.