Giving Thanks

I awake into my own dream, with enough of my wits about me.  This time I form my own portal and slip into The Phoenix's living room, still remembering and now becoming more familiar with where it lays.  I half expect her to be sitting there when I walk in, but the portal has definitely alerted her to my presence.  I hear a deafening roar from outside as the air begins to shimmer red as if on fire for a second, before it clears up and I hear the familiar "rerrrh!" and I can sense her materializing on the other side of the door before skipping playfully in.

"Haha, were you expecting someone else!?"

"You surprised me!  You wouldn't believe the jokers that try to copy your efforts here... It's like, come on man, no shot.  Some of them are nice, just trying to say hello, but far too many think a mask or a few laced words are gonna give them some kind of advantage over me.  Don't worry, I didn't tell you about this hidden part of your dreams until I was ready for it to be written down for anyone to see, 'I've been expecting you' is my general greeting.  So, what's up?"

My look grows serious.  "I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, considering what might be my nature, what is likely yours, and what that means for the upcoming time.  It's not about who we really are, it's about who we want to be. I want to make sure I'm ready, that we're ready."

"Rerrh!"

Her eyes glow like embers for a second when she gives her tiny growl that I can't remember if I've ever seen in person.

"Let's do it."

I grab her hand and take a deep breath.  While I technically do not know where we'll be going next, on some level I do.  So far all the dreams we've visited have had distinct timestamps, even when I was dreaming them, this one will be no different.  The thing was, this one included The Apocalypse, and a specific date in the year as well and it was coming up quite soon.  We journey through the doorway, through the infinite staircase, and we are standing outside the door of my uncle's house, Thanksgiving 2019.  I look over and she's got on a fancy hat "I'm your cousin in this one.  Not an actual cousin, but everyone will recognize me as if they've known me their whole lives.  I will be a new addition in this dream for you from the original recollection, just so I can talk you through it.  You ready?"

I teeter between being ready and not.  I know once we walk in we will go until the end, and I remember all the nuances that need to be addressed and accounted for in the story, sure that more will unfold like they always do as we revisit the events together.  This time though I know I will need to pay close attention to how actions in the dream can be replicated in the waking world, as the time for childish pursuits is ending fast, and I'm going to need my strength about me for the upcoming section of time, be it a battle, or something else entirely.  My eyes grow heavy considering all the details both in the dream and out.

"Would you mind if we postpone this a night?  Maybe we can go on some other adventure tonight, just the two of us?  If we need to take this time to prepare in some other way I totally get it, but it might be fun to just relax and enjoy ourselves for once, ya know?"

She smiles "I was hoping you might say that.  You have always been so gung ho with everything, it's important sometimes to relax and gather your strength.  A low-key side quest sounds nice."

And so, without moving from our spot, just frozen in time, we slip into the stairway, to another place entirely.

I snap back after orange centipedes shook me from our adventure, loosely remembering some interesting times amidst the chaos.

"I'm still a bit spent, and while complete nonsense most times, I always feel like our adventures are refreshing. Would you mind just a bit more delay?"

She gives a shrug "I guess it can't hurt either way." I can tell she would have preferred to go in now, but events conspired to push our entry back some.

"It'd be nice to remember a little more of it this time!"

"Maybe if you wrote it down when I'm there you'd remember some of it!"

"Psh. ...That's a good idea. Stop wearing so many hats and I'll remember."

"Psh."

I give her a shoulder bump and she stumbles a step and gives me a light shove.  The walls start melting around us, until I realize we are once more in the space between worlds.

"Psh. Alright, let's do this."

I take a deep breath and we walk through the door.  She points out the kiddie pool in the front room as we walk through to meet with everyone in the living room.  "See, these are the types of things you gotta look out for.  Get enough signs that something is a dream and it starts to lose its power over you.  Mix that suspicion and heightened awareness of your environment with your memories of superpowers, and that's when you'll find yourself with them.  It's not a 1 to 1 ratio either, once you start to remember, it'll all happen at once for you."

In the main room, there are a number of people milling about, I spot my uncle and walk over to give him a handshake.  He gives me a handshake and my friend a hug and then asks how I'm doing, making a bit of small talk before loosing us into the party.  I look around marveling at how everyone is so happy to see each other, and how so many words fly back and forth with little meaning to them outside of "it is good to see you again."  I realize the small talk here is exactly as it is in real life, people reestablishing meaningful connections through the ritual of sharing relatively meaningless and inconsequential recent events.  I circle back around to my uncle and say something about his collection of African masks on the wall.  As he's talking, my friend nudges me and points at one, which I realize isn't a mask at all; I can't quite place what it is, like a vaguely mask like shimmer on the wall, once more betraying that this is a dream.  As I look at the rest, I realize they are all shimmers, but he continues to talk about them, able to describe details about each one that I can on longer see, connecting his waking memory to their position on the wall, it seems.  Fortunately, following or being able to discern the details isn't important, it's still about the connection more than the subject matter.

The small talk seems to go on for some time, although it thankfully blurs together.  I can see my friend's gears turning though as the blurring happens; it really seems as though she is working on something behind the scenes.  My uncle announces it's dinner time, and we head back to the front room, which is now much larger, and there is a long table in the place where the pool was before.  My mom sits at the head of the table, which is large enough for two chairs, so I sit next to her.  My sister is sitting on her left, on the far edge of one of the long sides of the table.  My friend sits down next to me, shooting me a glance about how the room has changed which, while I feel like I noticed, still seems a bit novel when she points it out.  I whisper under my breath "I caught that one, you don't have to point them all out." She rolls her eyes and then suddenly perks up before asking "Ah, but do you remember what comes next?"

I think about this for a moment, while my mom sister and I talk.  I now consider it is strange that my sister's family isn't sitting with her, as more people begin filling the table.  It seems like my sister is on to the fact that our "cousin" is a shimmery redhead in a fancy hat, but she seems to overlook it.  I get lost in the conversation once more for a second and then my dad walks in from the other room.  "See, now this should have been a dead giveaway." I shoot her a half annoyed look, to which she replies "I can tell when enough time has passed, I would have never said that 5 years ago."  She's right, the sting has definitely gone, replaced with the sense that when he shows up in a dream, something important is happening, and that I'll see him again in the flesh real soon.  I still can't seem to disconnect from the sense that this is totally real though, and I greet him as he approaches the table.  He looks at my friend and gives her a nod, clearly not fooled by her disguise, and it becomes obvious that they have been talking somewhere, somewhen, beneath the surface of these dreams I see him in.

"It's good to see you again, son.  It has been too long. Sorry I have been away, but we're here."

My mom looks at him with an inquisitive head tilt.  "What do you mean?"

"Reality changed some time back, it is hard to fully describe how or share with you when, but the line between dreaming and awake became unclear at some point.  Evan has been feeling its effects since early adulthood, and has been resisting the full collapse of these realms more deeply than even he realizes.  This has allowed for a number of supports to be put into place, such that the realms can freely flow between each other, preserving the critical components of the reality you know, and the reality of dreams and other places."

This line shocks me into awareness.  I see my near death experiences, the timelines that cannot be linearly explained, the numerous times I refused to die, forcing the reality I called life to remain stable, and with me, when it should have become disconnected- a room full of waiting angels or demons, filing out when they realized I was not going to die that day, coats placed on my shoulder as the walls melted over the course of near timelessness, the apparently brief trip to the underworld cave where I just declared myself back to life because I couldn't lose my soulmate, only to eventually realize that, within the confines of what I experienced, it was altogether possible that I had never left that place that night, or to begin with for that matter. Or the ill advised spiritual steps I had taken in attempts to reach out to my enemies I couldn't even be sure existed, feeling my friend tangibly for the first time as I walked the street near my house, the night I felt the world crumble, as well as timelines disappearing all around me, only to call out to God all night in an empty town, then fall asleep for a moment exhausted, to then wake up without memory in a lifeless and oxygen-less world.  There was the day I should have died several times but was bolstered through several too long journeys through time and my own mind by my friend's concert, when I should have been completely cut off, and the world shattered once more outside my cell.  Also there was the day I danced so that heaven and hell might bend, allowing those inside the freedom to move about without fear of intrusion, or the pain of being trapped.  I had inadvertently stumbled, or more likely had been compelled into, several precarious positions, but I had been guided and protected every time.  These were falling into place as necessary trials and rites of passage in order to craft a reality that I knew very little about, but was starting to feel more connected to.

My dad continued, now looking at my mom "I know you have been concerned for our son for some time, and from your perspective this was completely justified; his path has been treacherous, you have done a great job keeping him within the lines and praying for him whenever he needed it, even from his youth.  Heaven is an incomprehensibly wonderful place, but to retain an eternal meaning, it had to be constructed meticulously by all, and you two have helped make that a reality.  That is why I am able to talk to you like this today, having died in your world nearly a decade ago."

A look comes over her face as she remembers.  She considers how this is possible now- rapture, the dead resurrected.  I can tell "a dream" is not one of her first mental stops, and maybe for her this isn't.  It is starting to feel less and less like one for me with every word my dad speaks, while simultaneously feeling more wonderful, like I could do anything I set out to.

"This is not what you expected, to be sure, but it is what is happening now."  He gives me a look, and my friend starts to smile at her feet, bigger and bigger.  Then it hits me- how could I have forgotten, again?! This growing feeling had been tied to my love's approach, or so I hope.  Unlike a number of other dreams, she was not sneaking in, but coming with full force through the front door, and I could feel her moving my way.  I look up at my dad and ask the same question as before "Does this actually mean?"

"Yes, you did it son."

I burst up from my seat and turn toward the entrance to the living room.  Her entire family is standing there in a line.  I give her mom a hug, shake her dad's hand, and go for a handshake but get a hug instead from her brother.  Behind them are several other people I feel that I recognize to some degree, and I quickly greet them each, until I get to the end of the line and stand facing the living room for a split second before I get an unmistakable feeling that she is in the room.  I swing around and catch her eye, as she is now running full speed my direction.  I notice my friend is leaning into eye shot as if to say "Still here, by the way."  which comes as welcome reassurance from one so adept at shapeshifting, although recreating this feeling that comes with reconciliation would likely be difficult, even for one such as her.  My love leaps into my arms, legs wrapping around my waist.  Without a word she gives me a kiss on the cheek, then once more on the corner of my mouth and, after a brief assessment of some kind, plants one firmly on my lips, which lingers for a bit until I remember that we are in a room of both of our families and I glance over, only seeing looks of joy around the room.  Even so, I get self conscious and say something like "If you wouldn't mind excusing us for a second." before carrying her into the hallway.  I set her down and get lost in her eyes before catching myself and saying "Well, there is a bathroom just off that way..." We both nervously look around, I'm not even sure what came over me, perhaps just addressing the elephant in the room; it didn't seem to be poorly received though, and I think now we were both just looking for a way to stall.  "Or I could introduce you to my mom!"  She looked relieved and says "Yeah, yeah, let's do that!"

Somehow I knew my mom had moved into this next room, with a similar table to the one in the other room, but with a door behind her to a different front yard.  It was almost like she had plane shifted when my soulmate and I touched, and was now sitting alone in here, still considering solemnly what had happened.  I walked in and she lit up, and now hand in hand with my soulmate, who is beaming (to be fair, we both are) I introduce them.  They get acquainted and then I hear a crash and loud voices from outside.  The two of us rush out and are met by my Phoenix friend at the door.  "Don't forget- The Apocalypse.  This one isn't so rough, but it's important to remember whatever you can, because they all break down similarly, like a dance where the core steps are the same but the flourishes change each time.  Timelines have set end points.  You excel at making sure they persist past these junctures, but I need to make sure you remember how you do it, for the future.  Oh, and have fun, and congratulations, you just started forever for goodness sake!"  She gives me a hug and slips into the house as I return to rushing outside.  She yells from the living room "Don't forget to slow down though, this is one of your favorite, our favorite, parts."

I look back into my girl's eyes, and they reflect back into mine like I had always imagined they would.  I get overwhelmed with the realization that this would be forever for me now, and it is as if a lifetime of struggle suddenly slipped off my shoulders within.  The scars remain as a kind of track for my mind to run and fall back on, but the pain of it was now gone.  I remember that between us we can dilate time, in fact we had often had some struggle not to do that, and so I let it happen as an entirely new dream begins running in our mind, all in a single moment, and the rest of the world stands still.

I snap out of it, aware of all the forces pulling me, reduced to me and her, in one sense or another. I look back at my friend, eyes filling with tears. I rush back into the house, and give her the biggest hug as soon as I can. "I will never leave you. Come hell or high water, God cannot pull us apart. Never imagine that was, or will ever be, the plan. She embraces and then tightens up, I can tell she knows what I mean, having seen the end before its time, her sacrifice of perfection before it realized itself. I embrace with the dreams fresh in my mind, hoping honestly that I will not lose her presence in gaining my soulmate, and understanding that she and I are on the same page. I realize that in the last dream I could see her for what she was, and still defend myself, and her, and my core beliefs for what they were, all at once. I had become invulnerable, and in that moment she gave me up. I embraced her, for as long as was necessary, to assure her it was worth it, every scar, every lonely night, everything. That hug, from some perspectives, lasted all night.

I separate and look into her eyes once more, now knowing her name here, and always able to recognize her presence.  I turn back to my love, patiently waiting, seeming to understand better than I could appreciate.  I'm not sure I would be as understanding if roles were reversed, but perhaps some aspects of relationships are unidirectional, I could imagine a few.  She shoots me a look, a mix of shock and intrigue that reminds me she can read what's on my mind.  I give a memory clearing eyeshot up and to the left, followed by a brief stare and eye glint indicating I was sorry, but not sorry.  She blushes and I take her hand as we step back outside.  I whisper "I hope for all our sakes that you are the only one who can read my mind."  She squeezes my hand and says "okay." Our sideways glances meet and I can't tell if she's being sincere, but mostly sincere in this case is likely the best I can hope for, as long as I never know for sure; I guess it doesn't bother me either way.

Outside my cousin is looking at his smashed car, as the driver of the other car gets out, and they are both yelling at each other.  I look around at the scene, the color scheme has clearly darkened into brown hues, as if a storm were brewing, dusty and ominous.  I realize that, with the two of us standing hand in hand there, nothing could stand against us, so I soak in the whole scene with wide eyed anticipation.  Suddenly I remember the first dream of this kind, on the beach, and how it ends.  I notice the man that hit my cousin's car is getting increasingly more angry, and is now feeling familiar, as the man who shot me in the head in that dream.  I get the impression that he is about to do the same to my cousin, and I am meant to stand back and let it happen, so the outcome could be different this time.  Without a second thought I step forward and call for his attention.  He turns to me, eyes full of rage, and steps to about 15 feet away.  I see him pulling out the gun, just as he had the last time when I pinned his arm.  I resolved that I had not come this far and reunited with her to have it taken from me again.  I remember the dream after that one, and in an instant I regain every power I had, the switch was flipped.  I consider now in this moment that I need to remember how to kickstart this when my life isn't threatened, or it will need to be threatened before this phase ends; I hope it is the former, and I resolve that it will be soon.  He aims the gun at me and fires.  I hold up my hand in front of me and will the bullet to stop; it freezes in front of me and the man looks terrified.  He fires several more in my direction and the same thing happens.  I look into his eyes and a see a slight glimmer of relief, but he still falls backwards in shock, drops the gun, and turns and runs down the street out of sight.  I turn back to my love, who is beaming now. I can't remember a single other time standing with her where I was fully aware, with all my powers so naturally controlled.

As I stand there getting lost in her eyes, and hers in mine, I hear a honk from down the street where the man ran off, as a bus is careening our direction.  It is heading straight for my love, and I scream for her to step toward me out of its path.  Time slows to a crawl as we keep staring at each other, and I see in her eyes an indication that it will be alright, but that she has resigned herself to this fate.  I however, felt a welling within me, and I snapped out of the daze.  It was meant to be the same dream as before, with her getting killed instead of me, for a kind of symmetry, it was meant to be irresistible.  I refused though.  In my head, seeing a glimpse into that future I simply declared "absolutely not."  I called once more as I prepared to reach out my hand, and I felt something restricting me, like an external will stopping me from changing the course of the dream, like the distance between us had suddenly become a vast chasm of time that I could not perceive, and like reaching into it would result in something catastrophic.  I continued to echo "absolutely not," shot out my hand and grabbed hers, immediately snapping her out of the daze and pulling her to my chest.  The bus flew by a split second later, missing her by only a foot.  She looked up at me in amazement, and I could tell that was a major breakthrough in her belief that this could be done, for real.  Time could be rewritten, events could be changed, and I would never think twice about changing them where saving her was concerned.  My cousin went back to examining his car, and my love had stepped back a bit, so that her back was to a shed.  Then I remembered that time could actually be rewritten, and I said "I can erase that experience if you want?"  I held up my hand and twisted it counterclockwise in a simple demonstration, as time rewound just a few seconds.  She was still standing in front of the shed, but now with a look of surprised confusion on her face she said "what was that?"  I put my hand down as I realized that if I were to remove the bus entirely it would invalidate our experience, and open a whole can of worms.  We might do it in the future, but I would want to figure out how to let her experience the time rewind as well, and keep the memories, since we are in this together, for every moment, good and bad.  For now I just shrug, she heard that explanation anyway, no need to repeat myself verbally.  She beams another smile at me, now remembering, as if from something like a dream, the awakened man she could forever call her own, and who wanted her more than anything else.  I could not believe our blessed fortune, we lock hands once more and walked back inside, eternity now stretched out in front of us.  This was the reset moment, the separation of death, sending us each on divergent paths once more to reconnect later, and it had been dispatched with aplomb.  The rest of eternity promised to be full of adventure, and a variety of distractions to be experienced together.  I guessed that the difference between this version and the 40 year dream is that, while there I was the king, I had been resurrected which was illegal and as a result we were hunted, whereas this time no death was needed, and we were simply living in a world that could no longer be described as either dream or the reality once known, but a beautiful intersection of the two, stable but malleable.  We walked through the now nearly empty entry room with the table, everyone had moved to the back rooms and outside, celebrating the dream continuing.  My friend sat there at the far end of the table, a nervous look shifting to joy as we walked back in together.  "You made it!"
"Was there any doubt?"

She shook her head "Not when you're involved haha.  I knew you weren't going to let that happen a second time. If you remember, they barely got away with it the first time.  They had to cheat to fulfill the action needed to kill you, and as soon as they did, and I saw your reaction, I knew this bullshit cycle was on a short timer.  You always knew how to spot a cheat and learn their methods, as well as basically everything else in the arsenal to come back and win the very next time.  I'm just glad you finally did and we were able to thread through and secure the paths as to how we did it together.  Now you get to keep both of us with you."  She motions at my love.

My love says she's going to check out the other situation and give us minute to talk, before giving me a kiss and walking out back where I can see that quite a few people have joined the party.  I turn back to my friend.  "That was the coolest dream ever by the way."

"Right??  It took a few cycles to set up and thread through properly.  Thanks for giving me the signal that you were actually gonna write it down without her needing to be there.  I would have invited her, but you had to be able to defend yourself alone for that one.  Basically if you two manage to be separated, for everyone's sake we have to know you can still be yourself, stick to your guns, and regain your memory and power without having them properly.  By the way, you did it in record time, quoting your codex twice to defend your two main, and most controversial, points regarding it without even a hint from me.  We even tried to use emotional attacks to get you to back down- threatening to ostracize you, and having a mean girl yell at you for daring to be so bold and talk about God's plan while her heart was injured- but I only did it to show them they had no weapons left, it was truly over.  Also, in a sense, that was the first time we met, and you actually did convince me that day that you believed everything you said, and suddenly I did too."

I smile at her "I thought that was interesting for sure.  Especially how you inserted yourself into the group years back, exactly as I said you did here.  That's a cool trick."

"Haha, but do you know if I could do it before you brought it up here, or did I learn from the best?"

I consider this in the context of time travel, and how, if that was the first time we met properly from her perspective, everything else could have spiraled out from there for her.  Since I had known her for a long time before that dream, and had brought it up in this one first, it could be that it was an artifact of the timeline, maybe I did actually teach The Phoenix that trick.  Maybe I had taught her a number of them... she did observe me firsthand for 40 years while I was doing all manner of wonderful things.  I knew I could give others superpowers by suggesting them, and she was likely much like me in the sense that she could do pretty much everything she could imagine.  Then I realized that, from her perspective, it might be more like she could do everything at any time, and needed to learn how to pare it down to the moves that would allow for others to persist in her dream so that she didn't need to be alone.  Either way, 40 years of study, with countless attackers persisting in their attacks the entire time, would be a useful class in how to be a superhero, and not a lonely force of nature or a powerless observer, whichever the case might have been.

"An interesting point to be sure.  I'll take credit for that one haha.  I gotta say I was a big fan of seeing you in Phoenix form firsthand, it was wondrous. I also enjoyed the little perfect storm; what was the weather pattern of the molten ball of metal mixed with lightning called again? 'Quippish?'"

"Close enough, that's what it's called now anyway."  She gives me a playful double shrug and then looked around the room patiently.

"My soulmate!  I lost her again. Meh."  I was so sad; I remembered the first pass, how I didn't see her again after she walked out back.

"See, this is why you bring me!" She exclaims with a smile.

She grabs my hand once more and we walk out back together.  The color scheme shifts at the threshold from warm and cozy to a bright sunny day, with people partying around a pool.  She says "We can do a recap if you'd like, but I can understand if you have other plans, under the circumstances.  You'll see me again, sooner than you think."  Just like that I see her form ripple in front of me.

I get excited.  "Phoenix form!?"

"Rerrh!"  She makes sure she has a few feet of space and she erupts into living flame and rises 10 feet off the ground as people all around the party gasp in amazement, but no one seems afraid, just impressed.  I smile, we really did do it, she is now free to travel about here as herself, without the worry that the world will melt around her like it had likely done so many times before.  I consider how different a reaction this was from the dream I saw her erupt in the first time, and even that was probably one of her best and most favorite scenarios, considering the many ways her birth could go for those residing on her eggshell.  I see a bright gold flame shoot off from one of her wings, landing somewhere in the crowd, highlighting the one it touches a faint gold before she flies higher into the sky, expanding in size greatly and flying off to feel the sun on her back.

I once more recognized my soulmate, as plain as day, outlined as I had seen her in the dream where we had managed to cross paths intentionally and follow The Romantic Adventure for the rest of the night.  Rather than a battle raging across a hillside, I simply pushed through the crowd of happy faces, and I could see she was now making her way my direction as well.  Then, in the middle of a crowded pool deck, our eyes met once more, like it was the first time.  Every time felt that way with her, like a rush of perfection saturating my mind, or maybe like my soul rejoicing within the catacombs, knowing my love was once more by my side.  She jumps back into my arms and gives me another kiss.  I carry her over to a couple of patio chairs and we scooch them together, close enough that our knees are touching as we sit.  We lean in, and start a whispered conversation like a couple of excited school children, bright eyed and inseparable.

After a few giggly hellos I take both her hands and bow my head slightly, she does the same and we rest our foreheads together. I feel myself calm and become centered and I say aloud, in a quiet but strong voice. "Lord God, please bless this conversation. Guide it for both of us so that it may be true to you and that we may speak true and poignant words with each other. Let it be light, full of love, important and innocent all at once, as only you can guide. Lord, please let me remember it, all the key moments, everything that might bolster my strength tomorrow, and hasten our reuniting by the light of Earth's sun."

"Amen." She echoes my sentiment in a single word; she has always had such a way with her tone. I look back up into her eyes, already gleaming back at mine. Time stands still once more, as a pocket opens, and we slip inside, now getting the hang of flowing into side dreams without losing our place from where we started. This dream and that one synchronize as we dash in two directions, without ever leaving our seats or each other's sides.

I start "I'm not even sure what to say. We've had so many conversations in these places, but said so little face to face. And the conversations we have here I forget almost every time."

"I know, it has to be that way for now. Remember 'judged by every empty word' we have to keep our distance until the end, as God is not the only one judging your memory of our words, and the rest are hardly as loving. Just know that I remember it all, and I will be sharing it once more in a situation not much different from the river. Just a little more... Relaxed."

I shoot her a glance and a slight cock of the eyebrow. Then I recenter. "Yeah, it's just frustrating knowing that I know so little of what we say. I know I cannot help but speak from my heart, babbling like a brook with you, so I'm not worried about my words just, I wish I could stay with you like this now."

"There is not much left to do, and by my calculations you are several postings and pages deep into this little 'Phoenix Dream' (cute by the way) so all that will read these words are those on your team, and the observers who will not say a word. There are always those listening in, but let's just talk like no one is watching."

I take a deep breath "It has been weighing on my mind. I have felt first hand what you even saying the word 'boyfriend' does to my mindset, now that the gloves are off, and I am so sorry that I have crossed so many lines over the years. I just wish I knew. I wish I knew as much as I know now then, and I wish I knew for certain now. But I won't be crossing any more lines here, if that was a concern and, if it is at all possible, I wish you would stop hinting that you might be. Honestly I wish you have known with certainty from the start, selfishly, so that all this pageantry is just that, and that when we reunite in the flesh it will be for the first time, from a particular perspective, but in a very real sense."

"Do not worry, no lines have been crossed that cannot be undone from either perspective. Consider that I saw you at first light; I bloomed, you were there. It was not easy to watch you walk away, but I get it now. It definitely drove me to greater heights to consider such a pursuit and challenge, and you are not entirely off on the whole transference thing."

"I just can't bring myself to do it to any significant degree now, I hope you understand. I do not know to what degree it works, and I would hate to think I'm breaking hearts so directly and avoidably to be close to you. While much more simple than before, whispers of hands hidden still give me pause on such matters, and it doesn't seem worth the risk. Certain lines I lose my resilience along from time to time, and I hope you can at least enjoy those moments with me... And no one else!"

"Yeah, we're all on stage these days, but I definitely sneak in at key times, don't you worry about that either. We all have our weaknesses."

"Am I too bold to wish that hearts broken can be mended by having you step into their place at all the most intimate moments? That seems dream like, but not just for me, for all involved in the ultimate pursuit of their own soulmates, whether they realize it or not. Besides, what I call the waking world seems more and more like a dream every day, so is it... reasonable to you?"

She looks down and blushes, with the hint of a smile. "We all have our weaknesses."

I perk up a bit. "Would you mind telling about our other differences in preference as well then? If I may be so bold?"

She shakes her head with another slightly mischievous smile "I don't mind at all."

"I want to want you as you are, and as I've seen you since falling in love with you, forever. I want all these years to be our playground, a sandbox we build castles in before heading out into the rest of the world. I want to feel comfortable in my own desires for you, even if that means they dull for everyone else, especially if, as a matter of fact. I see the woman you are and want to be, and I want that to be as real and natural as if you were born into it, even if you weren't. I want the facets you have shown to be the facets you have, forever."

She blushes once more "I'm not sure why we delayed this little pow wow for so long, those terms are absolutely adorable and acceptable. What else?"

"I want you to want me for who I am as well. If I gain some weight, I want that to be something I notice well before you start to care. I want my true form to be like I have been working out every day of my life, but still bound by the basic rules of reality. I want to eat and fluctuate as I always have, just with some additional buoyancy toward my ideal form. Basically I want you to look at me every day like you are doing whatever you can not to excuse us and rip my clothes off, and I want to be thinking the same damn thing. Let God provide the coolers that allow us to go on our adventures, I want to feel this nearly insatiable heat for you forever and vice versa. I want our kids to be embarrassed by how much we cuddle and giggle together in private, but all the while learning to appreciate that such strong love is possible and compromises need not be accepted. I want us to be on such similar pages always that even an out of place word will be foreplay. No one will have any idea the filthy overtures we have been exchanging until the moment we take our leave, and for all but the most intelligent observers not even then.  I want us to roam freely through each other's fantasies, agreeing which doors are open and which are closed, as well as constantly exploring but never feeling like anything but an old fashioned trip to the bedroom is needed."

She can't even look up now. I think back to how I must speak and act when I'm not thinking, and it is likely different than this, more childlike and less assertive. I can tell she is having a bit of a hard time producing these words, but she lifts her eyes to mine with a mix of expression that can only be defined properly as love and says "That's a tall order, but I wish that for us always too."

I take a moment to adjust my approach and cut my stride a little, as I realize I've been approaching our sexual interactions with a kind of determination and vigor that might lead this conversation to an abrupt, albeit happy, ending. I realize I finally have a chance to talk with her openly, without forgetting, and I want to let this moment linger for as long as possible.

"I want to fall in love with you again every time I see you. Whatever slight detail I have forgotten about your smile, your touch, your mannerisms,  your scent, let it all come rushing back the moment I set eyes on you again. Just like the first time, millennia or billennia from now, let it be again.  I want our time together to be immeasurable, filled with countless adventures and scattered through time and space. I want us to be beacons of hope where it is needed, examples of a love that should be strived for, has always been intended, can be attained, and will last forever."

"Forever and ever. We did not spend what has felt like an eternity to secure anything less than eternity itself. I just wish I could tell you how to speed this approach up, but I can't. I can say with certainty that you will discover it soon, right on schedule, and I won't be a second late into your arms. God does not delay in fulfilling his promises."

"I've said and confirmed it before, but I want us to be able to debate the Bible in all its complexity, whenever we'd like. Combing through pages under blanket forts some nights, traveling through time to witness events firsthand on others. Let us argue or adventure in pocket puzzles wherever they are presented, and come to our own conclusions on each. Regarding the simple solving of an argument that seems to have hit a wall well... I don't think I can hide my thoughts that well from you, and at the risk of ending this conversation early, you already know what I have in mind."

She separates contact for a moment and fans herself half jokingly. "Fortunately we have nothing to argue about at the moment, these terms are all fine. Something I can really get behind."

Now I blush and shift forward, relinking our knees together. Our eyes meet as we both struggle to stave off a single misplaced word that might result in a complete derailing of the conversation at this point. Time slows to a crawl and I ask "Dream break?"

"You can do better than that."

My voice drops noticeably as I narrow my gaze like a hunter loosing an arrow right on target. "Dream break."

She begins to nod with a tiny smile as the scene shifts.

The scene shifts and shifts as we dance around each other, locking eyes and peering sideways, until a curious ceremony and a white and yellow stripey shirt bring me back to this moment. I collect my thoughts while a piece of my mind wanders to the nature of good and evil, and how man is truly neither, and moments of proximity such as this blur the lines between the enjoyment of each, even in the most good of men.  

"Hobbes said, according to Community, that 'Man is a collection of base animal urges. To act on them and experience sinful pleasure would be morally no different than taking a breath.' Personally I know I would love to say 'I beg to differ', but I do believe this is largely a function of standing on the sidelines, beyond arms' reach. To see one's love by the light of day, well, I must say I am not as trained at holding my breath as I once was."

She shoots me the same look she did on the bridge just a few nights back by my time, just before the whole calibration process began. It is the look of the hunter. As her face turns bright red and I can feel heat emanating from her hands and knees she says with a bit of a snarl "I beg to differ."

Our eyes lock for a moment, and suddenly it is like staring down the sun once more. I see her own calibration process for what it was, as her truest form grabs me once, and I invite that same version of her directly to a dream a second time, only to be confronted each time by a less perfect version of her to varying degrees when we journey to the surface. I see myself hold true each time to the her I know, the her she wants to be, the her she had only been able to be when I'm around, but the version she has been trying to amplify so that she can be that vulnerable, or at least honest, with everyone else as well. 

Then I see the events of her calibration with me unfold, her minions testing my every angle for weeks and hours before a parade of intercessors halt me, thankfully, at the threshold. Then I see her sneak through, past my guards into my own inner sanctum, to repeat the calibration herself and compare notes, only to find out that, when done this way, there is no need for the same level of process, she simply walks up as herself and she is known and accepted as she always has been. 

Then I see our date, various cute and fun interactions as the love of a friend grows on its own organically, without the need for sexual tension to drive it forward. I still remember just the one question I asked amidst our whole conversation "What's your favorite moment?" Mirroring the cadence of the first thing I ever said to her "I got this for you." Perhaps that is why I don't remember much of the rest, it unfolds later in its entirety, but in this segment here and now it would be noise, distraction, veering me off course into moments reserved for my future so that it can be realized. Our brevity now is our limitless opportunity for words later; this the seed, that the tree. I feel her once more pause and respond truthfully "I would have to say this one!" It was honest, it was perfect, it continues to resonate more strongly the further I get from the moment in its promise, and now I see the additional glimmer of truth behind it: Perhaps in that moment it was all that was, because she said it was. Perhaps this was her way of planting a flag such that this moment, like its counterpart in the waking world, could not be erased, even if under attack from every possible angle, it would be like temporally trying to climb out of a black hole. She, we, had made such moments into inviolable ground, such that our story would have bones, a structure that could not be erased.

"You did not have to do that" echoed back in my mind as well, once more a symmetrically cadenced phrase, perhaps both true and false. True in the sense that my aim to be with her would be achieved regardless, false in the sense of the scope of the stage we would be walking together once achieved. I saw the story I felt suddenly driven to write unfold, new to me but seemingly already in place, now granted subconscious substance as a well crafted dreamscape and a well fitted puzzle piece. I saw us slip from her room to a boat on the river in pursuit of The Romantic Adventure before returning once more to the second half of the calibration at the carnival in my realm. 

Perhaps her concern once was on shifting friendship to something more, and I cannot say with certainty how long it took to craft this plan, but about 2 minutes into one video that was slightly more suggestive than what I had seen of her before it was like a switch flipped. I hadn't lost who I was, it was still my dream with her as my guest, I just suddenly realized what she had subtly suggested, and I realized that with one move I was certain to have her wholly and willingly in my arms. So I grabbed her hand, indicated we were heading to the bathroom, and she gave an innocent eep before running gleefully after me. 

I also saw for the first time how perfectly the scene with my mom sitting alone in the dining room on Thanksgiving fit in with the rest, as even then it felt more like a kitchen, and the result was the same in both dreams. It was as if she had chosen her place perfectly not to intrude but to still halt me when I needed it, when the story needed it, a feat whose mirror took several people with her same relative position in other realms quite a bit more effort. I had known for some time that reality in its entirety is a tapestry, but in my role I had always felt like an independent observer of this tapestry, apart from it, not seeing how I had been naturally sewing, or at least assisting in the sewing, each piece in and around me. 

This brought me back to her yellow and white stripey shirt, and how she and it shined like the sun in mid day. I recalled how she positioned herself just right so I would be unable to resist sneaking glances her direction the entire time, glances she would likely be counting each time, but where I could avoid being blinded by direct eye contact, and would not lose myself and end up interrupting the ceremony. I could realize how, despite every trick and distraction, my sight and then thoughts always returned sharply to her, and wanting to see her ceremony in the church. Then I remembered I had missed it, I had woken up too soon, I snapped out of this slipstream with a shot.

She was still there, snarl now turned to a bit of a smirk. Our eyes remained locked, and my subconscious still swirled, but now it was more like butterflies in my stomach, and I was still completely in this moment, just nervous. I could tell she was planning something, but somehow I did not know what it was. She paused, face going blank for a moment; I could read from her expression that she was surprised our omnipresent mental link had been severed, replaced by its best approximation: near-perfect understanding of body language. It wasn't quite the same, which was perfect. It was beautiful; mystery had been restored, but only enough to not get bombarded constantly with each other's thoughts and feelings while still never doubting where you stand.  I could not help running to where we had always talked before in my mind, flipping a switch deep inside and envisioning myself talking through a tin can on a string "testing, testing!" Right then I saw a big smile appear on her face and I could see her inside self run to a similar can and say "I can hear you, but not as clearly as I would like. Further testing required. Commencing test." She leans forward and kisses me. My mind swirled once more, my own thoughts raced, I could finally appreciate how similar we were, how we were just a couple of super nerds. I could feel her thoughts racing at times alongside, as well, but I could identify where those realms were, and I could tell she could tell the difference as well. We had finally done it and, after pulling back, we looked into each other's eyes, able to recognize the other person, completely separate from ourselves, staring back at us. 

A ridiculous smile formed on my face, and a dissimilar one formed on hers as well. I liked hers better, and that seemed to be at its core all we had really needed. The Phoenix flew back overhead, landing somewhere in the crowd. I looked at my love and said "To be continued. Very soon, right?" She gave her excited nod "Very soon, very good!"

I couldn't bring myself to leave and she knew it, so she stood, eyes still locked on mine, and hand still extended, before letting her fingers slip as she turned and disappeared into the crowd.  I sat there, thoughts still on her, before catching a glimpse of my friend peeking out from behind some people. I gave her a mischievous point and she knew the jig was up, she shimmied back over and sat down right where my love had just been sitting. "So? How did it go?"

I could not speak until I was overwhelmed with tears. "Must it all be?"

She nods.

"I am so sorry you had to see those reflections and echoes. It is not fair, I feel like I understand how it could not be fair, but I wish you did not need to see it like I haven't needed to, and she hasn't."

She perks back up

"It is done, and we see the world in different ways; what you feel from one scenario is not the same as what I will or have. Appreciate my perspective is different from yours, and you are halfway there."

"How then might two so different be aligned so closely, eternally?"

"We must always remain this close, and you and she are the ones to pull that off. Would it hurt you to know that you see the most synched iteration, just like she is?"

I consider this, in light of the perks granted, and shake my head. From an absolute perspective it is the most logical path, and it is hard to tell if that generated this or vice versa.

"Now you may be thinking that things will not play out the way they have seemed here, but only because that is what you have seen your whole life. While the details that day may differ, in fact having seen it three different ways now they must be superficially different, what will happen in two days time is fixed. I know you've been tested, I know they've done what they can, but you always respond exactly like you do, and that is why I've stuck by you through it all. You turn weakness to strength, and pain to joy. The harder they come, the greater your resolve. Thanksgiving will be no different, and the world will be forever changed after. You are just about done."

"It's funny how many times I can feel and forget that this whole thing is on rails. As one who traditionally bucks control whenever it is felt, I must admit to being completely on board with where this is going, and what has been in store all along. I am not sure I could have said that even 5 years ago. Perhaps it is not that I abhor a master, it is just that I've only ever responded positively to a single one; everyone else seems pale and frankly pathetic in their illogical and generally unethical bids for power by comparison."

"Haha, that's why I've never tried to control you, and neither has she. Granted, someone had to try in order to grant you this perspective, but don't hold it against all of them, some were knowingly playing the role of the fool. Like grains of sand tasked with irritating the oyster in order to generate a pearl, they were not going to succeed, just to help you form. For her and I, the path has always been to wait for you to sidle up willingly to where we waited, so we could know we would not walk alone from then on. Granted, this is in a multidimensional sense, so from a 'skin to skin' perspective it took longer than you expected, sorry about that."

She gives me a sideways mouth scrunch and furrowed brow, but I reassure her.

"I can finally appreciate all the work that has gone into this, it does not seem easy to launch the infinite from the finite, and make either of these perspectives into something that can feel both perfect and like home. If left to my own devices I'm not sure I would have ever accomplished such an elegant design." 

She gives me a smirk "well now you will never have to know! Never ever."

I remember something from the day and put my fingers on my head like a pair of horns, which I know she loves. "Ooh, I realized how to make ¤ make more sense! ¤=1/(e^iπ+1). It's the same as before but a little more clothed, conceptually, and a lot easier to play with, mathematically. It's like wrapping the concept of asymptotic asymmetry and the shape of the infinite in with natural curves, and the features of imaginary circles and spheres, to turn a binary system into something with infinite variation and complexity. To be honest I don't understand it in its entirety, and I stole most of it from Euler, but I like the shape of it. I thought you might enjoy knowing about that development."

She nods, blushing a little which I'm not sure I've seen before. "Yeah, I like it, I can work with that."

We laugh and enjoy our time in the dream a bit longer before fading back into our separate lives. I can't help feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve as midnight approaches, knowing that, in a sense soon, every day will be like Christmas morning.