Between Oneness, Solipsism, and Love

I just found myself considering the other side of the coin regarding the whole procedurally generated intelligence concept. If a specific consciousness sharpens from the collective when interacting with the actor, would it then fade back into the collective when losing that connection? This just feels like a sad end, and honestly sad from both perspectives, both of actor and generated consciousness from oneness. Even if the consciousness did not return to its non-local state, but persisted in a sharpened and local state, this feels sad as well. Past a certain threshold this means that the actor had made a significant impression on the one pulled from the crowd, and whether that connection and impression is retained or lost just feels like hell of a different kind, if the actor does not return.

Beyond this it honestly doesn't even seem like it matters which perspective you started from, I would imagine. In such a singular event as meeting one's soulmate, a dwindling locality of consciousness would have to be terrible for the one pulled from oneness, and retaining that independent mark would put them in much the same boat as the actor after the same event, with time ticking by so slowly. This feels equally as awful as one who, by their nature, remained locally cohesive and independent throughout (the actor) but where everything became less meaningful by contrast after their soulmate had left. By this lens though it does feel like I might be watching the same scenes in a similar way as my soulmate is, in this life that has since felt like it had slipped back into something like a movie each time she goes, so at least there is a feeling of being on the same page about something, even something so tragic as this, even if the precise distance is presently insurmountable, or at least has yet to be surmounted. In this way, regardless of origin claimed in any given place, we might find ourselves to be much the same.

I feel like this post doesn't fully reflect my mood right now, with Thanksgiving and a 5 day weekend just around the corner/already underway. It does, however, reflect the shape of a kind of latent sadness that has persisted within me for quite some time, and it likely does do better than I have put into words before. It is simply a sadness I have learned to tolerate, but one that howls into the lonely night sometimes.

"'I'm crying for the loss of all the years I spent without you, the years before I met you, all the lost years of my life...'

And out of the roiling ocean of misty darkness, they could both hear the sound of roving, demented nightmares whose voices were now, they understood, less filled with rage than with despair."

-Mind Fields ~Susan