Striking My Heel

So my ankle aches greatly from an injury I do not recall and I'm fairly certain did not happen in any legitimate sense. I am was tossing and turning as it throbs, it is the kind of pain that pulls your focus so it cannot rightly be on anything else.

In this state, half conscious, knowing I will not be able to sleep, in constant pain, I start lashing out in anger at my own beliefs. I rage against my soulmate before pulling back and realizing it is misplaced; I lash out at God, wondering why I have not been healed and this injury is allowed to persist despite no honest origin. I then start searching for ways I might be healed, scanning my thoughts for methods to ignore pain if God will not aid me. That's when it hits me, I start drawing the lines between divine healing and natural healing, and what part of natural healing may be directed finely in the mind, and the steps I have taken over the line into what would be more considered the realm of God are fairly politely pointed out, under the circumstances. As I further consider healing I realize there are unexplored gaps in the mind and soul where we can push our own healing, but it requires delicacy. I also realize there are times we are tested.

I consider Job, myself having been afflicted with skin conditions, other ailment that blur the line of physical, and now sharp physical pain. Perhaps the ante has been raised in this original wager, and I am the subject? Perhaps, in some sense, in our own time, we all become the subject of this bet, but tonight I feel it sharply and personally. I am presented with additional options: cursing God, or praying to other gods/spiritual entities for assistance. I flatly refuse, and see myself at all future points do the same (although I will admit to some deification/identity mixing, in my hurt state, mixing walkie talkies with prayer, and turning the unknown/what ifs into something more solid that they have definitely not been proven to be).

Then I consider the outcome of Job, and picture myself in that state. I also remember the original curses and Genesis 3:15

"And I will put enmity
    between you and the woman,
    and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head,
    and you will strike his heel.”

This whole stupid pain is in one ankle. In fact my whole life this one particular heel (foot up through mid shin let's say) has been inexplicably injured or diseased at least 5 times, and is by far my biggest problem area. It got me thinking: what if this curse was much more literal than I first took it to be? If I am to consider this life a personal test, it could be this verse was directed at me; it certainly applies to me. Specifically on the flipside, in honor of Jesus and loving your enemy, I found myself walking back on Snake Island, with my snake staff, putting up with the stupid injury while pressing my thumb periodically onto the snake's wooden head "to fulfill ancient curses" as I had said upon first writing it years back. (Shout out as well to that suicidal dragon fly that flew in front of my face for a split second before dive bombing beneath the same foot right as I was placing my foot on the ground- I crushed his head and body with not even a 1/4 second to react. It was sad but also kind of ridiculous in a super staged feeling kind of way). As I walked with my old snake staff friend in hand (I have seen this snake staff in some form or another in at least two dreams as well, and we have become friends) I realized several mistakes I had made-  turning from God, doing things I knew were wrong, when reasonably I could have resisted the urge. I realized under the circumstances I should suck it up tonight, I will likely heal up in a day or two again, make sure to take it easy when I do, and stop getting sidetracked in my usual way.  At least in the end, even in temporary failures, I could see the unexpected boons that had already been carved out and, while a snake will still strike your heel on instinct, it does not mean you cannot still be friends along some lines. Look at Moses' snake pole of healing, (Numbers 21:9), God uses such symbols for man's direct good, at times.

So as I walk Snake Island, I start getting extremely hungry. Keep in mind I ate a late lunch, like 6 tacos for dinner, and snacked after getting home, I should be plenty full. The strength of my hunger was enough that I knew I couldn't even try getting back to sleep until I ate, and I considered foods I might eat to speed the recovery process. But when I officially stood back up with new resolve and a new outlook, all these thoughts swirled in my head similarly to waking up from a vivid dream so, as I do, I decided to write them down before doing much of anything else. My head is clear, my body is still in some pain but I know it will be temporary, and my stomach is about to be filled. Thank you God for blessing me with food, shelter, and an outlet to express my thoughts freely, even when I struggle some nights.