In The Garden

After a lifetime, I was ready to return to him: the man I once sought to trick out of his birthright, then sought to kill, and finally decided to avoid altogether by slipping off through time.  For a while it worked, too.  I lived an entire life, free to do whatever I'd like, the loosest of chains tethering me to a world where I was effectively powerless.  It was like a dream come true but, even in the dream, simple truths shine through the kaleidoscope of our mind's filters.  Slowly I began to understand that I was not like the others, and at times all at once.  A flash of the impossible here and there shook me to my core.  I also realized that the underlying truth of this same man had stuck with me throughout my new lifetime.  It was undeniable, despite my ego and pride, and I was burdened by the blood he shed so that I might live more than most, it seemed.  Believing reality to be far more complicated than it seemed, and knowing that God's love was truly boundless, I concocted a plan.  This one was once again designed to head a train off at the pass, but not out of spite as it had been before.  I finally saw death from another's perspective, and understood why he would continue to seek out the lost sheep from this horrifying fate.  I also understood why hell was no more and no less than a separation from God, but that even the gentlest of goodbyes was a more cruel fate than could be fathomed.  If I was fated for hell, and I deserved it on more levels than one, I would make sure it would be alone.  I would also make sure Jesus never made it there either, from my perspective.  I realized, from growing up in the church, that his sacrifice was necessary; while I wouldn't comprehend why entirely, I believed.  But I also began to see how God sees the world- not understand it mind you- and that is by seeing all possible pathways at once.  I struggled with how one could sacrifice the sacrifice and not lose the salvation, as I realized a core underlying truth for myself- once I fully accepted the truth of Christ as my savior, I could not live with his sacrifice.  This may have been my problem all along, it is hard to say; I remember only bits and pieces from before, but there is something fundamentally unfair about sacrificing a perfect being, and while those around me considered it a forgone conclusion, or doubted it ever happened at all, I knew that neither of those things were true.

So I set my sights on the time machine hinted at in Genesis.  As I did, I thought of all the different points I could revisit in order to rip the cruelest story from the pages.  I thought of when all of heaven was waiting for one word from Jesus to intervene, but none was given.  I would simply show up with a bunch of Bibles in Greek and Roman and what not, a med-kit, and flamethrower, bust Jesus right off of there in my own little deus-ex style, torch that cross to ash (per the real account of Jephthah, as I had read it), and leave everyone with the evidence of exactly how and why it had happened this way.  They would have no choice but to see the truth at that point, presented with such overwhelming proof.

A song kept playing in my mind during these trying times though, and I found myself struggling to interfere in such a fashion.  While Jesus did come without us asking for him to, he had also earned the right for his choice to be respected by the path he walked to save us.  The choice, like the song, was subtle, and did not presume upon itself, but was more like a shepherd's song, compelling in its simple expression of welcoming love.  After some searching, I realized my return visit had already been written, and while I was not excited for the prospect of what that meant for my success, I was ready with verses upon verses supporting my position, and urging him to reconsider.  From desert to garden, little had changed except my perspective.  The song continued to play, however, and so I stayed longer than I had intended, and eventually found myself drawn to stay for another reason.  Somehow I had fallen in love.

As was to be expected, this was no traditional love, in fact it was about as absurd a notion as one could possibly imagine given the apparent circumstances.  Nevertheless though, it had been set in stone for me over a decade prior in the span of 13 seconds, irrevocable love at first sight.  While my conscious mind struggled with the concept and was often tossed to and fro over the years, my subconscious mind never moved from its original position.  I had foreknowledge of her somehow, from a dream that had stuck with me more saliently than any other dream or experience in my life up until that moment I saw her in real life.  I had been given evidence that we were drawing from the same dreams on numerous occasions as well, and I sought any excuse I could to encounter her in any realm where it could be deemed possible.  But as the years went by, the same mechanism of duality in faith, logic, love, and everything that kept me holding on was now polarizing me to the point of threatening an annihilative tearing piece from piece.

I have often considered what it would be like to honestly consider another point of view.  While I have found it impossible to believe something which I do not believe, I have had some success in running contemporaneously a scenario where I do hypothetically believe that thing.  This is exceptionally useful when considering opposing arguments, if not for identifying their flaws from the inside, then eventually proving to yourself that you are standing on the wrong side of said moral or logical fence and simply stepping over it, having formulated your reasoning for why over the course of considerable time and thought.  The issue comes in where these "what if" scenarios become so polarized that the gaps between them force more and more "what if" scenarios to bridge the gap, until eventually you find yourself uncertain at a very core level.  On one hand, you have an apparent impossibility, on the other hand you have a fundamental impossibility.  Eventually it looks like neither is true, and that is when you begin tearing yourself apart, and seeing annihilation or oblivion as a welcome reprieve from the forces ripping your mind to shreds.

So we find ourselves back at the point of decision: "Should I stay or should I go?"  More and more the fantasy of leaving this timeline behind, travelling back in time to save Jesus, and then continuing on a jagged line through all of spacetime like dueling Doctors, seemed like an excellent way to retire and flee from the possibility of unrequited love.  And then one night I actually did, like I always seem to, in a dream.  Without thinking I had stepped into the timeship, flipped the switch and found myself exiting in the garden.  Jesus was in prayer but looked up when I came into the garden.  If he was expecting me, it did not show on his face; I never could tell if he was so excellent at being a man that he could still be surprised, or so excellent at being God that he could obfuscate anything.  I paused for a moment not saying anything, until I could tell that my entire plan had clicked in his mind.  "Don't worry, there aren't any details about our conversation here, no one to write them down after all."

I smiled a little and stepped forward, I wanted to give him a hug but remembered how we left things and thought better of it.  "I surrender." 

He looked puzzled.

"I mean it, I surrender.  You pull off ruling this world so much better than I do, and dare I say with more panache.  I told you last I would give it to you if you simply bowed to me, and instead with much consideration I am willing to bow to you.  There is no need to die, I can share with you every detail if you would like, but I know how you can save the world without needing to die."

"I know you have figured it out, that's the thing, The Father knew since the beginning of time that you would find that thin thread of parity.  He knew it would drive you from Him searching for it, He knew it would drive you mad trying to finally grab it, He tried to steer you from this path in Eden and with Job, but you did not have the perspective you needed yet."

"I get it now, so don't do it.  Let's just ride off into the sunset, I'm sure we'll have much to discuss."

Tears welled in his eyes.  "You don't quite get it yet."

I knew what he was referencing.  It was on the tip of my tongue but I dared not say it.  The depths of God's love knew no bounds, and love was unyielding as the grave.  I shook at the terrifying but awesome promise that had been confirmed without a word.

"I... I don't know what to say."  I couldn't look him in the eye.  Somehow I always knew it had to go the way it had always gone, but it took coming to this place armed with everything I needed to stop it, to understand why I, he, and no one else ever had or would.  I thought of what I had seen of death from a human perspective, and the gate key straining to unlock my mind as it unraveled and I lay there terrified.  Passing into that realm was not something anyone should need to endure, and Jesus was about to make sure no one else did.  The least I could do was play my role with style.

"Well, I hope you're a good actor, because since I am still in charge here I am removing your ability to feel pain for the next 72 hours."

He looked at me with surprise.  I knew he had just asked if the cup could be taken from him, knowing to some degree what he was in for both leading up to and just on the other side of death's doors.  Surprise faded to gratitude as tears of blood now dripped painlessly from his eyes.

I turned to storm back off to my time machine, having not even succeeded in surrendering on this day.  "And you better believe my crew and I will be there when you arrive.  Shoot, I'll leave the keys in the door flung wide open, come on in if you dare.  It's getting mighty crowded down there, so we actually would be obliged if you cleared the place out a bit.  The whole point of that place is so that I can be alone, once and for all."

I couldn't help but look back over my shoulder, knowing exactly where I would be, and how I would be "tied up," the next time we encountered each other.  As I did he said "You Are Not Alone."

With that I kicked the dirt a bit and left.  I woke up back in my room after what most would consider to be a sleepless night.  Some nights I sleep with my eyes closed, others with my fingers tapping.  After all, this was my realm and I still retained some of my former abilities despite being tangled up, for now.